Smash Seed
by HomestarOtaku
Summary: A guild of once legendary Brawl players has long disbanded, but an upcoming tourney promises their triumphant return…that is, if they can survive the coming storm of parodies, spoofs, and rip-offs along the road.
1. Prologue

Prologue

_Long ago, there was an online server-based sect of Super Smash Bros. Brawl called Dairantus. Battles were fought, friends were made, alliances were formed and reformed, and hacks were hunted down and removed by moderators and trusted players…it seemed like the perfect system._

_But then, over the course of one fateful month, life on Dairantus would change forever…_

_During Dairantus' first annual Grand Tourney, high-ranking players started mysteriously disappearing from the database. One day, they would be ready to compete, and the next, they would be gone forever. Strung with fears of suffering the same fate as their missing friends, many players, once eager to show the world what they were made of, abruptly quit. But there were some who stayed, some who willingly risked their accounts—if not their lives—to restore peace in Dairantus…_

_Onto an unknown server came a guild of six brave, skilled, and determined players: grave, i10v3myL1p5, Johnny7, royalpain22, 4NGRYCh|_|k, and their leader, Senshi. Together, they were able to defeat a rogue guild of hackers led by the infamous Dangeresque1872. With the malicious hacker and all his associates permabanned, the missing players were rescued, the tourney was free to continue, and the heroic guild went on to win it all. Sadly, with the danger passed and the competition bygone, the guild was henceforth disbanded, and its members were never to see each other again…_

_Or were they…?_

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"No, we weren't," said Johnny7 from somewhere outside the story.

_D'oh. Why did you have to do that?_

"What am I supposed to say, yes? Yes, it's all over. Our guild is gone, finito, kaput. We're just six more names out of some gazillion from now on. The end."

_Get out of my narration sequence!_

"Hey guys," said i10v3myL1p5 from somewhere else outside the story. "Whatcha doing?"

"We're making a prologue," said Johnny7.

"For what? Some kind of lame fanfic about a made-up server based sect of Brawl? There are at least six of those out already; they're called machinimas. And don't even think about giving me that 'seen one, seen them all' baloney. It's been done, right?"

"Feh," said 4NGRYCh|_|k from—you guessed it—outside the story. "Who cares about the story? Brothah, I'm all about bringin' the hurt."

_How do people keep getting in here?_

"Front door. Ya gotta keep it locked every now an' then, 'nless your mothah's fat."

_Was that REALLY necessary?_

"Is your face necessary?"

"I'm pretty sure it is," said i10v3myL1p5. "He needs it to breathe and stuff."

"Ya don't need a face ta breathe!"

"Your mother needs a face to breathe!!"

"Your mother IS a face!" said Johnny7.

_SHUT UP!!!_


	2. For Old Times' Sake

Chapter 1: For Old Times' Sake

The stage on server 66H was Final Destination: a large, empty platform suspended somewhere in deep space. A purple Samus player and a green Meta Knight player stood at opposite ends of the platform, waiting for other players to join their party. Within seconds, a red Donkey Kong player appeared between the two players, but as soon as they saw his score card, they vanished.

The Donkey Kong player, 4NGRYCh|_|k, was furious.

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" he screamed, randomly attacking the space around him. "GET BACK HERE AN' FIGHT ME, YA DAMN DIRTY CHICKENS!!!"

"Will you shut up?" said a thinly accented voice from an incoming player. "Your temper alone gives me a headache."

"'ey, that voice. I'd know it anywhere."

Onto one end of the stage came a white Marth player.

"Honestly," he said, walking over to 4NGRYCh|_|k, "you're the only type of person I know whose screams can be heard from four servers away."

"Four servers?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Whoa! That must be a new record, Senshi. I used ta be able ta scream only half that loud back in the day."

"I didn't mean that as a complement."

"Whaddo I care? The point's that ever since we gave Dangeresque1872 the boot, nobody's wanted ta fight me anymore. An' brothah, that makes me mad, hoppin' mad."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, may I fight you?"

"Ya jokin', right? I'd love that. Whaddya say? Three-stock each, no items, Final Destination?"

"Certainly."

Senshi ran back to his end of the stage while 4NGRYCh|_|k ran to the other end.

"Good luck, my friend. You'll need it."

"Alright. Bring it on."

* * *

Meanwhile, on server 21B, a pink King DeDeDe player, a red Pikachu player, and a green Ice Climbers player stood opposite a yellow Ness player on Skyworld: a series of stone platforms in front of an ancient-looking palace-type building, surrounded by thick clouds.

"There are three of us and only one of you," said the Pikachu player, "and all of us are playing as higher-tier characters than you. Plus, this is a three-stock match with items set on High. There's no way you can beat us."

"Don't you guys remember what happened the last time I fought you?" said the Ness player, Johnny7. "I believe I took out all of you without using a single item, hack, or stage hazard."

"But we're ready for you this time," said the King DeDeDe player, "and make no mistake, because when we're done with you, there won't be enough of you left to fill a thimble."

"Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on."

And bring it on they did.

The Ice Climbers player charged at Johnny7 and tried to grab him, but Johnny7 short hopped and attacked him…her…them…whatever…forward, pushing whoever it was back. He then proceeded to lay hard boiled eggs on his hapless opponent all over the place. From the rear, the Pikachu player spammed Thunder Jolt while the King DeDeDe player tried to spam Waddle Dee throw, but Johnny7 wasn't worried; the Pikachu player's projectiles kept hitting the King DeDeDe and Ice Climbers players, so whatsitsface couldn't properly fight.

"Cut that out," said the Ice Climbers player to the Pikachu and King DeDede players. "You're ruining my stra—"

But before he/she/it/whatsit could finish, Johnny7 grabbed the Ice Climbers' Popo and threw him at his teammates, knocking them all back. A Bob-omb appeared out of nowhere on the platform behind the three players, and all of them landed on it, setting it off.

"Way to go, fumblefingers!" said the Pikachu player to the Ice Climbers player—who I'm sure by now was a girl—as he got back on the stage. "You're making us lose."

"Me? That was your fault," said the Ice Climbers player as her Nana regrouped with her Popo.

"Yeah, seriously, dude," said the King DeDeDe player, getting back on the platform. "Stop TKing."

"It's only TKing if I KO you guys," replied the Pikachu player angrily. "Besides, you two can take hits better than me, so what's it to you if my attacks keep hitting—?"

Suddenly, a blinding flash of bluish green light engulfed all three players and sent them flying high into the sky. The King DeDeDe player crashed into the camera before falling into the abyss while the Pikachu and Ice Climbers players became stars on the horizon.

"Huh," said Johnny7. "Maybe I'm going too hard on these noobs…"

* * *

Meanwhile, on server 45X, a turquoise Mr. Game and Watch player ran around aimlessly in New Pork City: a gigantic city stage suspended just over the surface of a desolate harbor.

"Hellooooooooo," he said. "Anyone? I'm looking for a match here."

As the Mr. Game and Watch player was just about to give up, he heard the whir or an Aura Sphere charging nearby. He hopped, skipped, and jumped to a nearby platform where he saw a green Lucario player charging his Aura Sphere.

"Hey, is that…?"

He cautiously approached the Lucario player and started talking again just as he was spotted.

"Grave? Is that you?"

"Yes, it is," replied the Lucario player, cancelling his—or should I say "her"—Aura Sphere charge. "Nice to see you again, i10v3myL1p5."

"Wait a minute. You're a GIRL?!"

"Hmph. So what if I am?"

"B-b-b-b-but I…I…I di-…I didn't…you were so…I didn't mean to…I had no ide—…I thought you were…it was never my intention to…"

i10v3myL1p5 started babbling nonsense and randomly attacking the space around him for a few seconds, somehow managing to not hit Grave even once.

"Are you done?" asked Grave.

"Uh…yeah, I'm done," said i10v3myL1p5. "So, uh, how come you never told anybody you were a girl, Grave?"

"First of all, talk is cheap when it comes to fighting games like Brawl. Second of all, I didn't have a mike until a few days ago."

"Why didn't you just use the taunt message system?"

"Because I didn't want to look like a total dork…unlike some other people I know…"

Grave stared blankly at i10v3myL1p5 as she spoke.

"What?" said i10v3myL1p5. "You don't get it?"

"It's not funny," said Grave.

* * *

Back on server 66H, 4NGRYCh|_|k and Senshi each had one stock left and almost 100% damage. As Senshi struggled to return to the stage, 4NGRYCh|_|k leapt into the air to intercept him with a backwards aerial attack, but just before 4NGRYCh|_|k's foot connected, Senshi activated Counter and sent him flying back. Senshi followed up with a Dolphin Slash and landed safely on the stage. Unfazed, 4NGRYCh|_|k rushed at Senshi with a short hopping down air attack, but he missed. Senshi countered with a vicious up smash stab, sending 4NGRYCh|_|k soaring into the sky and over the horizon as a star.

"Dude, that was sick," said 4NGRYCh|_|k as he respawned and regrouped with Senshi. "I 'aven't 'ad a fight like that in months."

"You're welcome," replied Senshi, "but I'm surprised you didn't erupt with rage this time."

"'Erupt with rage'? Ya mean 'lose my head', right? 'Cause if ya do, why would I? You're my pal, Senshi, ol' buddy. You an' everybody else in our guild."

"Yes, those were good times. I haven't heard from any of the others lately, though."

"Well, if ya must know, I happen ta have gotten a message from royalpain22 the othah day. She said somethin' about Dairantus' second annual Grand Tourney comin' in a few weeks, so I got REALLY edgy."

"So I figured when I heard you scream all the way from server 66L; I had just defeated two Meta Knight players and I hoped I could get some rest."

"Then you'd bettah start soon, 'cause nothin's gonna happen for a while, especially not right now…"

4NGRYCh|_|k and Senshi waited for a few seconds, and nothing happened.

"See? Whaddi tell ya? Nothin's gonna—"

Suddenly, a black Fox player swooped in out of nowhere, grabbed 4NGRYCh|_|k from behind, threw him backwards, and back air attacked, sending him out of the server.

"Oh no! How unexpected!"

"4NGRYCh|_|k!" cried Senshi, turning to face his friend's assailant, who immediately rushed at him with a dash attack.

Senshi easily dodged the attack and countered with a turning side smash followed by a running short hop down air attack, which sent the rogue Fox player plummeting into the abyss and out of the server.

"You're a fool to think you can hit me with skills like those. No one like you ever hits me, especially not right now…"

Suddenly, a black Falco player swooped in out of nowhere and gave Senshi the same treatment 4NGRYCh|_|k's assailant gave 4NGRYCh|_|k.

* * *

When Senshi woke up, he found himself trapped in an enclosed space on an unfamiliar custom stage. Waking up in the same space were Grave, i10v3myL1p5, Johnny7, and 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"Huh?" said Senshi. "Where are we?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," said Johnny7. "I just got here myself."

"You're exactly where you need to be," said a raspy voice from the other side of one of the walls.

The five inmates turned to face their captor…or, captors…and saw a black Fox player, a white Meta Knight player, a black Falco player, an "old man" Ganondorf player, and a red Link player.

"Hey…uh…hey!" said i10v3myL1p5, pacing back and forth in the enclosed space. "I can't get out of here."

"Heh heh heh heh heh," said the Falco player. "Precisely."

Grave quietly checked the assailants' scorecards while her friends continued talking; the assailants' usernames were F0xH0und, whiteknightfright, |_|z1B4z00k4, ChuckN0rri5, and Red respectively.

"'Ey, you guys don't wanna mess wit' us!" said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Just open this cage an' I'll show ya what we're made a'."

"Not a chance," cackled |_|z1B4z00k4, "and even if we did, you five are powerless against us."

"Yeah," said F0xH0und, "'cause we're gay."

"Exactly."

|_|z1B4z00k4 abruptly turned to face his colleagues with a…well, you can't exactly see emotions on his face, because he's being depicted as an emotionless video came character…but still, he was somewhat stupefied.

"Wait, what? We're not gay."

"What?" said F0xH0und. "But don't we go around and kidnap people?"

"That makes us kidnappers, you idiot, not gay."

"Oooooh. I have a hard time telling the difference."

"Hey gay guys, I don't care," said Johnny7. "You're letting us out of here right now."

"We're not gay!" said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Are you sure?" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Yes. Now, shut up, all of you."

"But what about that time you flirted with—?" started whiteknightfright.

"Hey! It's not my fault; none of you told me that was an all guy server. Now shut up."

"I swear," said i10v3myL1p5, "I've seen this exact same scenario on some old machinima I once saw. What was it called again?"

"How should I know?" said Grave. "I don't bother watching machinimas."

"I don't know either," said Senshi.

"Got nothin'," said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"Me neither," said Johnny7, "but maybe…"

He cleared his throat and spoke in a somewhat mocking tone.

"Getting out of here is impossible; we are totally not going to get out of this cage, especially not right now…"

All ten players waited around for a few seconds, but nothing happened.

"Oh, come on!"

"Quiet, you," barked |_|z1B4z00k4. "There is no escape; you tips are useless."

"Yeah," chimed in Red, "not even an insanely bad plot device can save you now."

At that moment, a new player, an original color scheme Zelda player, warped in behind the rogue five players, who all turned to face her.

"Would I count as an insanely bad plot device?" she said.

"Uh, what do we do?" asked whiteknightfright.

"We ask her how she's doing today," said |_|z1B4z00k4 sarcastically.

"Okay," said F0xHound. "How are you doing today…uh…whatever your username is?"

"I was being sarcastic, you nitwit! Get her!"

All five of the rogue players charged at the Zelda player, who easily warped behind them and grabbed |_|z1B4z00ka and hit him.

"Who are you? What have you done with all those players?" she barked.

"We know nothing," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "We're just low level grunts."

"What are you talking about?" said Red. "They tell us all about the plan."

"Talk!" ordered the Zelda player, hitting |_|z1B4z00k4 again. "Who sent you?"

"We don't know," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "They work in secret."

"Secret?" said whiteknightfright. "We were just talking to the boss about ten minutes ago."

"Where are the hostages?" barked the Zelda player, hitting |_|z1B4z00k4 a third time.

"We'll never tell!" said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Our boss, Buttons3, is currently holding them hostage," said ChuckN0rri5. "She's probably using other grunts to detain them in a separate server similar to this one."

"Guys, you're not helping."

The Zelda player hit the hapless |_|z1B4z00k4 a fourth time.

"Why do you keep hitting me?"

"I have no idea," said the Zelda player, "but I'm enjoying it profusely. Now get out of here, all of you."

And with that, she tossed |_|z1B4z00k4 over the edge of the stage.

"This is going to hurt when I laaaaaaaaaaaaand!" screamed |_|z1B4z00k4 as he fell.

"Okay, run away," said F0xH0und as he and the other rogue players left the server.

The Zelda player jumped on top of the cage holding the others and opened a door for them all to jump out.

"Are you guys alright?" she said as her friends jumped out of the cage one by one.

"We are now, thanks to you, royalpain22" said i10v3myL1p5. "How did you know where to find us?"

"I read this story right up until the point where you guys got kidnapped. It didn't say which server you were on, but I managed to triangulate a position between servers 66H, 21B, and 45X."

"Wait a minute. What's this about reading this story right up until the point where we all got kidnapped? It hasn't even been published yet."

All six players just stared in silence for a few seconds. Somewhere in the background, a cricket chirped. But then, royalpain22 broke the silence.

"Actually, I heard rumors about players disappearing from servers all over Dairantus," she said, "so I decided to investigate, and my little trail of clues led me here. When I realized that you guys had been kidnapped as well, I decided to rescue you."

"Thanks, and I don't care how long it's been," said i10v3myL1p5. "It's good to have you back, royalpain22."

"Thank you; it's good to BE back."

"Well," said Senshi, "what a fortunate occurrence. The six of us all together again; I never would've guessed. If we are to stop this Buttons3, we must be careful."

"Oh yeah!" said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Looks like Smash Seed is back, baby!"

"Ayup," said Johnny7. "By the way, who made up that name for our guild? It sounds really dopey."

"Don't remind me," said Grave.

"What?" said i10v3myL1p5. "I liked it."

"Right," said Senshi. "Anyway, as I was saying, if we are to stop this Buttons3, we must be careful. For all we know, she could be worse than five Dangeresque1872s."

"Feh," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "We beat one baddie; we beat 'em all. How's this chump gonna be any different?"

"Careful, 4NGRYCh|_|k; the last time you said that about an arch nemesis, you almost got banned. We still don't know what Buttons3 is capable of."

"So? The only way we're gonna know is if we find her and kick her can clear outta Dairantus."

"And find the missing players too, right?" said Johnny7.

"If you five are done standing around and talking your heads off," said Grave, "can we get on with this mission of ours?"

"Certainly," said Senshi. "Follow me, everyone."

So off went the members of the reunited guild Smash Seed to look for the missing players. A long journey filled with danger, disaster, and blessings in disguise lay ahead of them.


	3. Plots, Persistence, and Parody

Chapter 2: Plots, Persistence, and Parody

And so, the reunified guild known as Smash Seed…what a lame name for a guild…uh…went off in search for the missing players of whom royalpain22 spoke in Chapter 1. They traveled through…um…well, I'll spare you all the pain of having to listen to some pointless monologue about dusty plains, fiery lakes, icy mountains, distant planets, yadyadyada, etc. etc. etc. etc. Let's just see where everybody is at this point in the story.

* * *

On an unknown server, a deeply disgruntled |_|z1B4z00k4 led his companions into Buttons3's base.

"Ugh," he said. "The boss is going to kill us when she finds out about this."

"You mean IF she finds out, right?" said whiteknightfright. "I'm sure it's not that bad; we've got like 60 players locked up already, so what difference will five escapees make?"

"In case you weren't paying attention—and I'm certain you weren't—those five escapees happened to be five of our prime targets, and I'm more than certain that Zelda player who beat the crap out of me was the sixth."

"Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad. What did they ever do to the boss, anyway?"

"I don't know, but I want to keep this job, so when we go in there, don't say anything stupid."

"Yeah, whiteknightfright," said Red. "Don't say anything stupid, or else the boss will—"

"I was talking to all of you when I said that, Red."

"Oh yeah, right."

"Now, the rest of you, have I made myself clear?"

"Yep," said F0xH0und.

"Yes, my doge," said ChuckN0rri5.

"Oh totally," said whiteknightfright.

"Guys," said |_|z1B4z00k4, "this is serious."

Red cleared his throat in response.

"Okay, |_|z1B4z00k4," he said in a somewhat low, mocking tone. "I'm serious now. This is my serious voice."

"Uh, okay," said ChuckN0rri5.

"I'm Serious McSeriouson; I'm so serious, even the jokes I tell are serious."

"Uh, alright. Let's just go in there and—" started |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? No such person, because stereotypes based on hair color are totally unfair and sexist."

"Oookay," said whiteknightfright. "Moving right along, now…"

The five rogues made their way to a freeze hacked version of Halberd: a huge hangar with a gigantic ship that had a bow resembling Meta Knight's mask, bat-like wings, and large cannons facing forward.

"Who's there?" said a charming but harsh voice.

"Heh," said |_|z1B4z00k4 nervously. "Uh, hi…boss…"

Onto the other side of the stage floated a blue Peach player. Her username: Buttons3; a mistress of malevolence, a queen of catastrophe, a damsel of devasta—…wait a minute. There's three more pages of this dribble; no way am I reading this.

"Oh, it's you guys," she said, looking at the rogue players on the other side of the stage. "Shouldn't you be guarding the prisoners?"

"Well, you see," chuckled |_|z1B4z00k4 nervously, "the thing about that is…"

"Five of them escaped," said ChuckN0rri5.

"What?!" exclaimed Buttons3. "Don't you realize what you've just done?"

"There was nothing we could do about it," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "They were just too clever."

"Not really, though," said F0xH0und. "We kind of got distracted and turned our backs on them unwillingly. |_|z1B4z00k4's just saying that because he doesn't want you to know how incompetent we are."

|_|z1B4z00k4 turned to face F0xH0und with surprise and disdain.

"F0xH0und!" he said. "I told you not to say anything stupid!"

"I'm not," said F0xH0und. "I'm just telling the truth."

"Yeah," said Red. "If he wanted to say something stupid, he'd probably do something like this."

And then, making unrealistic ninja noises, Red up-taunted, down-taunted, and then performed a short hop neutral air attack. Whiteknightfright and ChuckN0rri5 started to giggle, but Buttons3's opinion was different.

"Guard," she said, "hit him."

Then, to the sound of some ominous—if not somewhat corny—organ music, a false Bowser bot appeared in front of the grunts, struck |_|z1B4z00k4 across the face with a standard attack, and left the server.

"Ugh!" said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Now I want you all to listen to me, and listen well," continued Buttons3, "because I'm not repeating this. Failure is not an option."

"But what if we do fail?" asked ChuckN0rri5.

"Guard!"

The false Bowser bot reappeared to the same ominous organ music, grabbed |_|z1B4z00k4, and hit him once before letting him go and leaving the server.

"G'ack!" said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"All I'm saying is that you can't eliminate failure as an option," continued ChuckN0rri5. "Making failure impossible is impossible in it of itself. I think of a Scotty sandwich…"

"Guard…" groaned Buttons3 as ChuckN0rri5 continued his lecture.

Same organ music, same Bowser bot, same type of beating.

"D'oh!" whined |_|z1B4z00k4.

But this time, the bot hit |_|z1B4z00k4 several times before leaving the server.

"Why do I get hit when THEY say stupid stuff?"

"Because being part of a group requires discipline, |_|z1B4z00k4," said Buttons3. "You of all people should know that."

"Oh. Well in that case…those gloves make you look fat."

The Bowser bot reappeared to the sound of the same organ music sped up. It grabbed |_|z1B4z00k4, knocked him to the ground…

"Gah! Egh!"

…and dry humped him before leaving the server.

"Why did I get hit THAT time?!"

"Because I blame your friends for that comment," said Buttons3, turning away and crouching down to think out loud. "Holy cheese on rice, that's the last time I hire gay guys to lead a kidnapping campaign."

"See, |_|z1B4z00k4?" said F0xH0und. "I told you we were gay."

"Damn it, F0xH0und!" said |_|z1B4z00k4. "We're not gay!"

"Then how come when we found you two," said whiteknightfright, "you were—?"

"Look, I told you before; I was stretching."

"But it looked like you…were…" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Stretching! I was just stretching, damn it!"

"Then why did it look like F0xH0und....?" said whiteknightfright.

"He was helping me."

"Helping you stretch…" said Red sarcastically.

"Look, we're not Grant and Gront from 'Smashtasm', we're not Chuck and Larry from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and we're not anybody from 'Family Guy', 'South Park', 'Seinfeld', 'Harry Potter', or 'The Simpsons'. Now let's all just drop it and get on with our lives, okay?"

"Right," said Buttons3, turning back to the five grunts. "The point is that now we need a new plan to attack Smash Seed, and I think I know just what to do."

"What?" said whiteknightfright.

"Think about it; when Smash Seed defeated Dangeresque1872 and his guild, they only did so because they were all together. To defeat them, we first have to turn them against each other, and then pick them off one by one."

"How?"

"Turn around and observe..."

The five grunts turned around to face the left side of the stage.

"Red, bring up Senshi and his merry guild on the monitor."

"On it, boss," said Red.

He turned on a hidden monitor that appeared in front of the grunts and showed a blue Ike player, a blue Zelda player, and a black Donkey Kong player standing on one side of a staircase-like custom stage while a default color Jigglypuff player stood on a platform on the other side.

"_And I-I- I- I- I- I- I-…_" the Jigglypuff player tried to sing…in the lowest, rockiest, most gurgling, evil-sounding voice you'd never expect from a Jigglypuff player, "_will always…love youuuu!_"

"GAAAAAAAH!!!!" wailed |_|z1B4z00k4. "MY EARS!!!"

"OH MY GOD!" cried Red. "I'M ON FIRE!! AAH!!! AAAAAAHH!!!!"

"Help me, Chuck Norris!" piped in ChuckN0rri5.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY BRAIN!!!" shrieked whiteknightfright.

"SOMEBODY CHANGE THE CHANNEL, NOW!!" ordered Buttons3. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS GARBAGE!!!"

"What?" said F0xH0und. "I like it."

* * *

Meanwhile…

"AAAAAAGH!" screamed two differently colored players in a ridiculously close eye catcher. "OOGHAH! OOF!"

…

"WAAAAGH!! OOF!"

…

"Annnnngh! Pffpth!"

…

"Oof! Gah! Oof! Whuh…"

…

Our heroes eventually came to server 75G, where they saw they saw a default color Link player and a dark Link player battling on the Bridge of Eldin: a large, flat, stone bridge spanning a huge gap from one end of an old building to another.

"AAAAAAGH!" they screamed as they exchanged blows in a rather clumsy way. "AAANGH! Oh! Uggghwerllllpth!" etc. etc. etc. etc…

And they kept going one like this until they got to the part where the dark Link player threw the default color Link player out of the stage and out of the server. All the while, the members of Smash Seed watched.

"Wow," said i10v3myL1p5. "That was the biggest Monty Python rip-off I ever saw."

"Well let's just hope it doesn't get any bigger than that," said Grave, walking up to the now idle dark Link player.

"None shall pass…" said the dark Link player, swatting Grave back with a standard attack.

"What?"

"None shall pass…"

"We have no quarrel with you," said Senshi, "but we have to get through this server."

"Then you shall die…"

"'Ey, buddy, don'tcha know who we are?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Take a good look at our scorecards an' weep."

"I move…for no man…or woman…or child…or bot…or spam bot or Trojan or virus or worm or fanboy or fangirl or spammer or flamer or—"

"NEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!111"

"Again with the screaming, 4NGRYCh|_|k," said Senshi.

"Outta my way, pals. I gotta smart-aleck ta squash!"

And so, 4NGRYCh|_|k charged headlong at the dark Link player. Before the dark Link player could react, 4NGRYCh|_|k short hop forward air attacked, up tilted, short hop up air attacked, short hop up air attacked, short hop back air attacked, dash grabbed, grab slapped, grab slapped, grab slapped, forward heaved, turned around, carried, up tossed, mid-air Headbutted, down air attacked, (deep breath) long hop down air attacked, air dodged, grabbed, grab slapped, back tossed, and Giant Punched him out of the stage, all the while screaming and roaring like King Kong on a rampage.

"Whew…" said 4NGRYCh|_|k, crouching down and breathing heavily for a few seconds before getting back up on his feet. "That was fun…"

"'Tis but a scratch," said the dark Link player as he respawned near the guild.

"A scratch?! What are ya, stupid? I just beat the ever lovin' snot outta ya!"

"No you didn't."

"Wanna see an instant replay?"

"No, 4NGRYCh|_|k," said Grave. "You've caused more than enough noise pollution for one day. This time, I'll handle him."

"Come on, you pansy," said the dark Link player, rushing at Grave.

Grave used Double Team as the dark Link player came at her with a dash attack and tripped him. The dark Link player tried a down air attack, but Grave sidestepped and up tilted as he came down, knocking him back in the air. She followed up with a short hopping up air attack before letting him hit her with another down air attack and retaliating with her own down air attack. She charged an Aura Sphere for a split second before rolling in front of the dark Link player as he tried a third down air attack, and then grabbed and grab scorched him repeatedly before she let go. The dark Link player retaliated with a two hit forward smash slash followed by a chain grab, and up throw, and a short hopping up air attack, but Grave finished charging her Aura Sphere as she came down into a fully charged three hit up smash slash combo. The dark Link player readied another fully charged up smash, but this time, Grave jumped away at the last minute and fired her fully charged Aura Sphere, blasting her opponent out of the stage.

"Looks like I win," said Grave. ""Now let's get going; the longer we wait, the less chance we have of—"

She was interrupted by the dark Link player dash attacking her as he respawned again. Luckily, he missed and tripped.

"Come on, then," he said, getting up and hopping around our heroes.

"What?" said royalpain22.

"Have at you."

"You can take this one, royalpain22," said Grave.

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

"Look, you stupidhead. You just lost two lives."

"No I didn't."

"LOOK!"

"Just a flesh wound."

The dark Link player—whose username royalpain22 revealed to the others to be The_Black_Knight via his scorecard—hit royalpain22 with a standard attack.

"Look, stop that!" said royalpain22.

"Chicken!" said The_Black_Knight, hitting her again. "Chicken!"

"That's it. You just lost another life."

Royalpain22 rolled behind The_Black_Knight, then short hop forward air attacked him in the head, dash attacked him, side smash zapped him, and followed up with Din's Fire, edging him just out of frame before following up with another Din's Fire that pushed him out of the stage.

And of course, The_Black_Knight respawned again to harass the guild.

"Your turn, Johnny7," said royalpain22.

"Seriously?" said Johnny7. "How many lives does this guy have?"

"Right," said The_Black_Knight, nudging Johnny7 to the end of the stage, "I'll do you for that!"

"YOU'LL WHAT?!"

"Come here!"

"What are you going to do, poke me to death?"

"I'M INVINCIBLE!"

"You're a loony, that's what you are."

"The_Black_Knight always triumphs! Have at you!"

Johnny7 grabbed The_Black_Knight and back threw him out of the stage before rejoining the others.

"Okay," he said, "now that that's settled, let's get go—"

But then, he noticed someone was missing.

"Hey, wait a second. Where's i10v3myL1p5?"

"That's strange," said Senshi. "He was here when The_Black_Knight respawned just now…"

* * *

"All according to plan," said Buttons3 evilly as she and her grunts watched the five remaining members of Smash Seed on server 75G and started laughing evilly.

They all stopped laughing, though, when they noticed a seventh, unfamiliar voice laughing along, and they turned to see i10v3myL1p5 standing calmly among them and laughing even more evilly then all six of them combined.

"Hey! How did you get in here?" said Buttons3.

"Who, me?" said i10v3myL1p5. "Um… Garbage. Garbage. Rubbish. Uh… Murder weapon."

"Are you supposed to be a trash can or a R.O.B. player?" said Red.

"I bet |_|z1B4z00k4 would like to play you as well," said F0xH0und, "if you know what I mean."

"Damn it, F0xH0und," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "It's stuff like that that makes me question the exact nature of our relationship."

"You guys have a relationship?" said whiteknightfright.

"You're doing it again."

"You know what else I like doing again? And again? And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and—?"

"Guards, get this guy out of here!" ordered Buttons3, and three false Bowser bots appeared to drag i10v3myL1p5 away.

It looks like our heroes were in a bit of a pickle there. How could they escape the confines of the savory, vinegar shell that was Buttons3's trap?


	4. I Want Cake

Chapter 3: I Want Cake

And so, our heroes…well, five of them anyway…went through perhaps the corniest Monty Python and the Holy Grail rip-off they'd ever seen and continued on their search for the missing players of whom royalpain22 spoke in chapter 1. Before long, they stumbled upon server 88P, which had a hill-like custom stage with a huge gap in the middle.

"Hang on," said royalpain22. "I just got an IM from i10v3myL1p5."

Everyone stopped walking and eyed royalpain22 inquisitively.

"Is that so?" said Senshi. "What does it say?"

"It says…" said royalpain22. "'Help me'."

"What an arbitrary message," said Grave.

"Sounds like 'L1p5 is in big trouble," said 4NGRYCh|_|k, "an' by 'big,' I'm talkin' 'kidnapped an' locked up for life'."

"We get the picture, 4NGRYCh|_|k."

"There's something else jotted at the bottom of the message," said royalpain22.

"What does it say?"

"'Also, bring cake'?"

"Uh, 'kay," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "What's that about?"

"Aha!" said a rather intimidating voice. "I knew I'd find you here."

Down from…well, out of nowhere, I guess…came a gold Ike player.

"'Ey," said 4NGRYCh|_|k, "who're you?"

"I'm Paladin12," said the Ike player. "Come with me if you want to rescue your friend."

"'Ow'd ya know 'L1p5's missin'?"

"Never mind that. Just follow me."

Paladin12 ran to the rim of the hole in the stage and stopped.

"All you have to do is jump into this hole and you'll see your friend, not to mention all the missing players you've been looking for."

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe," said Grave, noticing a gigantic sign posted above the hole, "seeing as that sign posted above the hole says 'TRAP PORTAL'."

"Uh…that's a typo; it's supposed to say 'TRANSPORTAL'."

"Then why," said Johnny7, "is there this tiny print near the rim that says 'WARNING: Do not enter the trap portal. A user who enters the trap portal will be subjected to a perpetual fall'?"

"Oh, that's just to scare people away so they don't realize how convenient it is."

"Then why don't you jump down that hole and come back up?" asked Senshi.

"I would, but I just did. Don't worry; it's perfectly safe."

"Look, it's obviously a trap," said Johnny7.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is; we're not stupid. Look, there's a giant sign that says 'TRAP PORTAL' and there's a blatant warning in fine print. What's next, some kind of kamikaze watermelon?"

Just then, to some kind of fanfare that sounded like a car horn underwater, a random, green Kirby player flew in out of nowhere and fell into the hole, screaming in panic.

"Where'd 'e come from?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"Obviously, he was screaming with joy," said Paladin12, "because he found the cake at the bottom of the hole."

"Eh?"

"Didn't I tell you? There's cake down there. Look for yourselves."

"Then why don't you go down there and get some of this cake?" said Senshi. "Because I'm not budging from this spot until I see that hole work with my own eyes."

"Me neither," said Grave.

"Why not?" said Paladin12.

"Uh, hello," said Johnny7. "There's a giant sign that says 'TRAP PORTAL', there's a blatant warning in fine print, and that Kirby player was screaming in panic when he fell in just now. Again, we're not stupid."

"I'm telling you, that wasn't a scream of panic; it was a scream of joy. What do I have to do to make you believe me, sic a kamikaze watermelon on—?"

But before Paladin12 could finish, to some kind of fanfare that sounded like a car horn underwater, another random, green Kirby player flew in out of nowhere, collided with Johnny7, and fell into the hole, screaming in panic and taking Johnny7 with him.

"Johnny7!" screamed 4NGRYCh|_|k. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"First i10v3myL1p5, now Johnny7," said royalpain22. "…and we had all just gotten back together, too…"

Turning to Paladin12, who was slowly starting to walk away, 4NGRYCh|_|k ran after him, grabbed him, and started beating him mercilessly while royalpain22 looked away from the hole in sorrow and Grave simply watched.

"BRING 'IM BACK RIGHT NOW, YA DAMN DIRTY SCUMBAG!!!" he roared.

"I…can't…" gasped Paladin12 smugly. "Your friend…is gone forever…"

"WHY YOU NO GOOD, DIRTY, ROTTEN, LOW DOWN, YELLOW-BELLIED, SLIME SUCKIN' RAT! I'LL SMACK YA UPSIDE SO HARD; IT'LL MAKE YOUR GRANDMA'S GRANDMA DIZZY!!!"

"That won't be necessary, 4NGRYCh|_|k," said Senshi calmly. "Look."

"Whee!" squealed Johnny7, falling into the hole from seemingly out of nowhere.

"Johnny7?" said royalpain22. "What's going on here?"

"Who cares?" said Johnny7, falling into the hole again from seemingly out of nowhere.

"What the—?" said Paladin12 as 4NGRYCh|_|k let go of him. "You're not supposed to be doing that!"

"Why not?" said Johnny7, passing by again as Paladin12 ran to the edge of the hole.

"You do realize I can report you for hacking. Wait until I get an admin here and then, you'll be sorry."

"Oh, really?"

"Just…just…just…STAY IN THE HOLE, YOU STUPID KID!"

"Make me."

"Okay."

So Paladin12 jumped at Johnny7 with a forward air attack as he passed by…

"HASSAA—Oh, cru—AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!"

…and fell into the hole, never to be seen again in the world of Dairantus. Johnny7 calmly jumped out of the path of the hole on his next pass and landed on the other side.

"That was pretty sweet, Johnny7," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Remind me again how ya did that."

"Yes, I am curious as well," said Senshi. "For a minute there, we thought you were gone forever."

"I may be a kid, but I'm a maverick," said Johnny7. "I make my own rules."

"So…you hacked?" said Grave.

"Nope."

…

"Seriously…"

"I AM serious; I didn't hack."

…

"You're lying, aren't you?"

"NO! SHUT UP!"

* * *

Meanwhile, on an unknown server with a prison-style custom stage…

"Rrrgh," said i10v3myL1p5, trying in vain to break out of a holding cell that he shared with a pink Yoshi player and a blue Luigi player. "You'll never get away with this!"

"Hate to burst your bubble," said Red, standing outside the cell, "but I just did. By the way, why don't you just log out?"

"Because when I log back in, I'm still in the cage. I'm not stupid; that's how these cells always work."

He paused for a moment as Red…oh, wait a minute. I forgot; emotionless video game character. Anyway, Red noticed the two players behind i10v3myLip5 logging out and logging back in.

"Well, maybe you're not stupid," he said, "but your cellmates sure are."

And he cackled maniacally at the sight of the other two prisoners' apparent stupidity.

"Man, I am so clever… I deserve a snack."

He turned around and ran off the stage to another part of the server, mumbling something unintelligible to himself—I think it had something to do with cake.

"Oh, we're never going to escape," said the Yoshi player. "All hope is lost…"

"Don't worry," said i10v3myL1p5. "I remember something someone told me about how to get out of situations like this."

"How?" said the Luigi player.

"Well, a wise, old man once told me that I'd get stuck inside a cage with a furry, and to escape, I'd just need to…PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! PUNCH HIM AS HARD AS I CAN! AND THEN I'LL BE FREE FOREVER!"

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I'm not even playing as a—"

"I'm just kidding; here's the real idea."

And so, i10v3myL1p5 told his idea to the Yoshi and Luigi players…

"I don't have much time; Buttons3 is probably watching us, so I'll—"

…very quickly…

"obzjkslnsk;fnm:CPajkfljl;dzsjklcmvwsremovtjmewojgf;dsjkl;gnmvzkdnkl;gck;ansdkljaklfmcatio4qtjoipmazue;wjfjamcoijtajio006DdddddSKfAkcrtkao$LT^LFD:ZAWt;aowke;fr"

…until he got to the interesting part.

"So, do you guys know how to change your costumes?"

When both the other players said no, i10v3myL1p5 had to explain, demonstrate, re-demonstrate, re-explain, re-re-explain, re-re-demonstrate, re-re-re-re-re- re- re- re- re- re- re-explain, and finally guide them through the process. Eventually, i10v3myL1p5 turned black, the Yoshi player turned blue, and the Luigi player turned default.

"Alright, here comes somebody else. Do it just like we planned."

"In bed," said the Luigi player.

"Stop saying that," said the Yoshi player.

And just as i10v3myL1p5 said, ChuckN0rri5 came to check on them.

"Hey, guard…person…help!" said i10v3myL1p5. "Get us out of here!"

"What the…?" said ChuckN0rri5. "Who are you guys? What did you do with the prisoners we threw in that cell?"

"We're…uh…we're the new guys. I'm…uh…Lumpy…"

"Lumpy?"

"Uh, no; my username is really Spl4pp_M3_D0."

The Luigi and Yoshi players tripped and fell in embarrassment at the sound of Spl4pp_M3_D0's—I mean i10v3myL1p5's—embarassing pseudonym, but they nevertheless tried to play along.

"Uh, yeah," said the Yoshi player. "I'm…I'm Ap3rture."

From somewhere outside the story, the Luigi player facepalmed, but nonetheless tried to keep up the charade.

"And I'm…uh…3lv15._teh_K1ng," he said.

"Oh, that's right," said ChuckN0rri5. "Let me get you guys out of there."

Within seconds, i10v3myL1p5 and his new friends were loose, looking for a way out of the server.

"I can't believe that worked," said the Luigi player, whose real username was R0cky.

"Me neither," said the Yoshi player, whose real username was Huge_Success.

"I can," said i10v3myL1p5. "It's too bad I couldn't see the look on that sucker's face when we told him our phony usernames. Come on; let's get out of here before somebody sees us."

"Can't let you do that, Spl4pp_m3_D0," said a white Wolf player, coming down out of nowhere, "or should I call you 'i10v3myL1p5'?"

"OMGG!"

"Pretty sneaky of you. I'll admit you're good, but I'm better."

"No, please. Don't do what I think you're about to—!"

As you may have guessed, it wasn't long before the three would-be escapees were back in their cell.

"Well, he didn't do what I thought he was about to do."

"What did you think he was about to do?" said Huge_Success.

"In bed," said R0cky.

"Stop that."

* * *

Back on Buttons3's server, Buttons3, |_|z1B4z00k4, F0xH0und, and whiteknightfright watched i10v3myL1p5's failed escape attempt.

"Maybe we should just let them go, boss," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "They're not worth the trouble."

"No," said Buttons3. "When it comes to having revenge on that guild, Smash Seed, every last piece of the puzzle counts."

"What puzzle?" said F0xH0und.

"It's just an expression; what I'm saying is that we can't afford to leave anything to chance, and I'm pretty sure 'anything' includes deciding whether or not to let prisoners go."

"I still want to know what you have against this particular guild, boss," said whiteknightfright. "What do we have to do with this Dangeresque1872 person, anyway?"

"If you must know, Dangeresque1872 was my idol…and my cousin."

"Okay, boring," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "Look, I'm all for taking down Smash Seed as much as the next hacker, but I don't want to have to sit through some boring monologue about how close you and Dangeresque1872 were or how you swore revenge on Smash Seed after Dangeresque1872 and his guild got perma-banned. I'm pretty sure the readers know that by now."

"What readers?"

"Yeah," said F0xH0und. "It's not like anybody reads this story anymore…or any story, for that matter. Besides, I'm bored. Can I change the channel, boss?"

"No."

"Meh, I'll do it anyway."

F0xH0und changed the channel on the monitor, which showed a series of embarrassing replays behind a tacky title card.

"Welcome back," said the TV announcer-type-person, "to 'I Got It BRAWL on Tape', where we show the replays these players didn't want you to see. Our first replay was sent in from server 56Q."

"Hey, that's OUR server!" said |_|z1B4z00k4. "How did they find it?"

The monitor showed Buttons3 kneeling beside a sleeping whiteknightfright on a custom stage that looked an awful lot like a hotel bedroom.

"And then, Goldilocks said," said Buttons3 in the replay, "'This porridge is too hot.' So she went to the mama bear's porridge bowl and had a taste. And then, Goldilocks said, 'This porridge is too—'"

Suddenly, a random Smart Bomb flew in between Buttons3 and whiteknightfright and exploded—in the replay, I mean, not the actual story—sending them both flying out of the stage while the cameraman laughed out of frame.

"Who did this?" said a very angry Buttons3 as |_|z1B4z00k4, F0xH0und, and whiteknightfright turned to face her. "Who the hell did this?!"

"This replay was sent in by Buttons3's good buddy, |_|z1B4z00k4," said the TV announcer.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed |_|z1B4z00k4.

"I will kill you!" said Buttons3.

"Wait! Wait! It wasn't me!"

"Oh, come on, boss," said F0xH0und. "Do you really think |_|z1B4z00k4's capable of this sort of thing?"

"Yeah, exactly."

"I mean, he can barely operate a VCR, much less do something with this much technical expertise."

"Uh…yeah."

"He couldn't even set up his own Wii, even. He had to call the Nintendo technical help line 50 times…in four different languages."

"Okay, F0xH0und, she's got the point; you can stop helping, now."

"Why, I heard from a very reliable source that |_|z1B4z00k4's so stupid, that when he shakes his head, you can hear the ocean—"

"Alright, that's enough!"

|_|z1B4z00k4 grabbed F0xH0und.

"Listen here, peabrain. The phrase is—"

"Alright," said Red, abruptly coming in with rage, "who ate my cake again?"

"What cake?" said whiteknightfright, prompting |_|z1B4z00k4 to let go of F0xH0und.

"I was saving a slice of cake from my little sister's birthday party last night, and now it's gone. Who ate it?!"

"That cake didn't happen to have cherries in it, did it?"

"How do you know?"

"I saw two pieces of cake in the fridge earlier today, and the one I ate gave me an awful tummy ache; I'm allergic to cherries."

She looked around for a moment before she noticed Red slowly walking toward her.

"And did you happen to know," said Red, "whose cake that was?"

"Something tells me that was entirely the wrong thing to say…" said whiteknightfright, slowly walking away.

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!"

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE BRAT!!!"

Red chased whiteknightfright out of the story while the rest of the rogue players stared blankly.

"Anyway," said |_|z1B4z00k4, "as I was saying—"

"Oh, my apologies," said the TV announcer. "I mispronounced the name; 00zyB4z00k3n, not |_|z1B4z00k4, so sorry. Well, on to our next replay."

"Who's 00zyB4z00k3n?" said F0xH0und, turning off the monitor while Red mercilessly beat the snot out of whiteknightfright outside the story.

"I don't know," said Buttons3. "Maybe he or she's just some random plot device."

"More random than a kamikaze watermelon?"

Suddenly, to that dorky car-horn-underwater fanfare, a random, green Kirby player flew in out of nowhere and just as quickly left the server as a pillar of light from the side of the stage, all the while screaming in panic. Buttons3 and the rogues just stared blankly for a moment.

"So hey, uh," said F0xH0und, "anybody want cake? I baked it myself."

"Uh," said ChuckN0rri5, "no thanks."

"Sorry," said Buttons3. "I'm on a diet."

"No offense," said |_|z1B4z00k4, "but you're not exactly Iron Chef Bobby Flay when it comes to anything. I'll pass."

"Suit yourselves," said F0xH0und. "More for me."

He ate a random cake-like Food piece nearby…

"BPFLOOAAACCH!"

…and crouched down, spitting it out—or at least trying to…

Well, uh, this is kind of awkward. So, what will become of i10v3myL1p5 and his newfound friends? Will Senshi and the others find them before all is lost? And what in blue blazes happened just now?


	5. So Close, yet So Far

Chapter 4: So Close, yet So Far

Standing at the edge of the stage was a lone, blue Pit player—

"Wait a second," said Senshi from…outside the story…? Hey! You're not supposed to leave the story yet, Senshi! It's only the fourth chapter!

"Is that so? Several other characters have already left the story boundaries briefly for comedic reasons. Why shouldn't I be able to do so as well?"

Because you're not supposed to be a comic foil like all those other characters. How did you get in here, anyway?

"I just came in through the front door. 4NGRYCh|_|k's right; you do need to keep it locked."

Would you just get back in the story?

"All you had to do was ask, but before I return, I suggest you start this chapter from the beginning."

Alright.

* * *

After an unsuspicious-looking Ike player tried to lead our heroes into perhaps the most poorly planned trap ever, they resumed their search for their missing friend, i10v3myL1p5. Not far beyond the reaches of server 88P—on server 88S, to be exact—they met a black Sonic player and an orange Wario player with vital information on the missing players' whereabouts. The stage was a dark, ruined custom stage that looked a lot like a street alley.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, mate," said the Sonic player in a surprisingly accurate Australian accent, "but my tips don't come cheap."

"We understand," said royalpain22. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothin' much: just one small favor."

"What favor?"

"See, two of our pals have gone missing, and I 'ave reason to believe Buttons3's got them locked up in a special cell for them. We need ya to go in there and save their butts; maybe you'll find the rest of the missing players as well, not to mention your friend."

"Can you describe them to us?"

"Look for a blue Luigi player named R0cky and a pink Yoshi player named Huge_Success; that's them."

"Thanks, pal," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "We owe ya one."

"Any time, mate."

The five members of Smash Seed turned to walk away, but 4NGRYCh|_|k turned back to face their informants.

"'Ey, by the way," he said, "You nevah told us YOUR username."

"Sorry about that," said the Sonic player. "I'm not very good with that sort of stuff."

"'Kay, then. What's your username?"

"U."

"Not me. You."

"Yeah, I'm U."

"What? Ya kiddin', right?"

"Nope."

"C'mon, don't act like that. Answer the question."

"I did; I'm U."

"No, not me. You."

"That's what I just said: U."

"You said what?"

"I said I'm U."

"Quit foolin' around!"

"I'm not fooling around; I'm sayin' I'm U."

"You ain't me, so quit sayin' you're me."

"I'm not you; I'm U."

"Then, who's 'e?"

"He's M11."

"'E's you?"

"No, he's M11; I'm U."

"What?"

"Do ya understand the words that are comin' outta my mouth?"

"Enough!" shouted Grave, jumping between the two thoroughly baffled players. "We can either sit here and try to figure out who's who and what's where or we can just get on with our mission. The second Dairantus Grand Tourney is less than two weeks away, and we're still missing one team member."

"Geez, Grave," said Johnny7. "Calm down. What's gotten into you lately?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that I've been really tense about the upcoming tourney lately, and all these parodies have really been getting at me."

"You mean like the Rush Hour reference we just went through? At least we don't have to deal with any more kamikaze watermelons."

Suddenly, to some kind of fanfare that sounded like a car horn underwater, a random, green, screaming Kirby player flew in out of nowhere, crashed into the wall behind U and M11—the players, I mean, not us—and just as quickly disappeared with a cartoony _SPLAT_ noise and a cheap spinning star GIF.

"Uh, maybe I spoke too soon."

* * *

After taking U's advice on Buttons3's whereabouts, our heroes found themselves on server 97Z. The stage: Spear Pillar: a massive, majestic, two-level ruin stage suspended in space. Standing at the edge of the stage was a lone, blue Pit player.

_I have often dreamed,"_ he sang,_  
"of a far off place  
Where a hero's welcome will be waiting for me.  
Where the crowds will cheer  
when they see my face  
and a voice keeps saying, 'This is where I'm meant to be!'_

_I'll be there someday.  
I can go the distance.  
I will find my way  
if I can be strong.  
I know every mile  
will be worth my while.  
I would go most anywhere  
to feel like I…belong."_

"That's some nice singing," said Johnny7, walking to the pit player.

"Oh, thank you," said the Pit player, turning to face Johnny7. "What are you doing here, kid?"

"Oh, my friends and I are on our way to some old, abandoned server—server 56Q, if I recall correctly—to stop some rogue player named Buttons3 and her guild from kidnapping players all around Dairantus."

"You mean like that guild of players who took out Dangeresque1872?"

"Pretty much."

"Yeah, I especially liked that royalpain22 chick; she was always so strong in the face of danger."

"I was?" said royalpain22. "Why, I'm…heh…I don't know what to say…"

"Huh?"

The Pit player took another look at the five pros standing before him and checked their scorecards.

"Wait a minute," he thought. "A red Donkey Kong player, a yellow Ness player, an original Zelda player, a green Lucario player, and a white Marth player all in the same place at the same time, and all with insane win percentages? Unless I'm mistaken…"

"Why's 'e just standin' there?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"Maybe he's just checking our scorecards," said Johnny7. "We do have very impressive win percentages, especially Senshi."

"I'll say; his win percentage's been in the 90s for as long as I can remembeh. Yours ain't that bad either, Johnny7."

"89.55%? Why, thanks. Even i10v3myL1p5' percentage is above 83%, and he's our worst teammate, no offense to him."

"I doubt 'e'd be offended, kid. Nothin' ever dampens 'is spirits. Period."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"Speaking of dampening spirits…" said Grave, watching the Pit player.

"You're Smash Seed!" exclaimed the Pit player. "I-I-I-I can't believe it! I never thought I'd see you in person; I thought you guys were disbanded! I-I even heard rumors you all left Dairantus!"

"I assure you, rumors of our demise have been greatly exaggerated," said royalpain22, "because here we are…well, five of us, anyway."

"Yeah. What happened to i10v3myL1p5, anyway?"

"He's missing, and we're out to find him and all the other players who have mysteriously disappeared. An informant told us that a rogue player named Buttons3 is holding them on server 56Q, and this server leads directly to it."

"W-w-well, why don't you let me come with you guys? I can help you take down this Buttons3 person. I've wanted to be just like you guys ever since I heard about you. Besides, I have a 100% win percentage."

"I don't know," said Grave, checking the Pit player's scorecard. "You've only fought three battles."

"She's got a point," said royalpain22. "Each of us has fought thousands of battles, some of which against players with higher win percentages than us."

"Didn't half of those people try ta hack?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"That's not the point, 4NGRYCh|_|k. The point is that this guy here is a noob. How do we know he won't get in the way?"

"We'll let you come," said Senshi to the Pit player, whose username turned out to be Hercules98.

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes, I am, royalpain22. When I found you guys and formed our guild, we were all just like him; ambitious, cocky, excitable, you name it. Yet, I didn't give up on you, and you didn't give up on me, even in our darkest hours. And through our struggles, whether it was against—"

"Okay, okay, we get it, Senshi," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "We don't need to listen ta that monologue again, no offense."

"He's right, though," said Johnny7. "None of us would be in this guild if not for each other. Besides, the size limit for a guild is eight, not six. Surely we can at least see what this Pit player can do."

He paused, and then turned to the Pit player.

"What's your username, anyway?"

"Hercules98," replied the Pit player, "and don't worry about telling me your usernames; I already know them."

"Okay, then. You're in for now."

"Hey, it's not like I want to be a permanent member of the guild. I just want to be able to say that I got to see you in person…and maybe fight beside you as well."

Everyone stayed silent for a brief moment, and a lone cricket chirped in the background until Hercules98 broke the silence.

"So, uh, what are we waiting for?"

"Somebody to say 'Let's go,' I guess," said Johnny7.

"Alright, then. Let's go!"

Hercules98 took off to the left side of the stage before turning back and noticing our heroes going the other way.

"Excuse me," said Grave, "but server 56Q is this way."

"Oh, I knew that."

So off they went to what they hoped would be the last leg of their journey. With a big…gah! Why do I keep forgetting about the whole "emotionless video game character" mess? Oh, well. Anyway, Hercules98 seemed to be in the lead for much of the trip, and all the while, he sang.

"_Down an unknown road  
to embrace my fate,  
though the road may wander,  
I will make it to the end,  
and a thousand years  
would be worth the wait.  
It might take a lifetime,  
but I will not break or bend."_

"Come on! Sing with me!" he called back to the others, and one at a time—with the exception of Grave—our heroes sang along with their new friend.

"_I am on my way,"_ sang Johnny7. _  
"I can go the distance."  
"I don't care how far," _followed royalpain22. _  
"Somehow, I'll be strong."  
"I know every mile,"_ chimed in 4NGRYCh|_|k, _  
"will be worth my while."  
"And I would go most anywhere," _finished Senshi, _  
"to find where I belong!"_

"Does anyone else get the feeling we're being watched?" asked Grave.

"No, not a chance," said Hercules98.

* * *

Meanwhile, at server 56Q, F0xH0und was sitting by himself in front of the monitor, watching a rerun of "Not Exactly Royalty" when Red came in.

"Hey, you've had the monitor all day, F0xH0und," he said. "Get off your lazy ass and get to the cells."

"Buzz off, Red," said F0xH0und. "It's your turn to do prison duty, anyway."

"It WAS my turn, but now it's yours."

"I thought ChuckN0rri5 went after you."

"No, we go in order. It goes you, then me, then whiteknightfright, then you, then |_|z1B4z00k4, then you, then you, then ChuckN0rri5, then you, then whiteknightfright, then |_|z1B4z00k4, then you, then me, then you, then whiteknightfright, then you, then ChuckN0rri5, then |_|z1B4z00k4, then back down to you, then ChuckN0rri5, then you, then you…you, whiteknightfright, you, ChuckN0rri5, you, you, you, me, |_|z1B4z00k4, you…then you. It makes perfect sense."

"But doesn't that mean he goes twice as much as you?" said ChuckN0rri5, dropping in on his fellow rogues. "Or…six times as much as you?"

Red turned to ChuckN0rri5 rather awkwardly.

"Shut up," he said. "You're not helping."

"I'm just trying to—oh, wait a minute," replied ChuckN0rri5, slowly walking away. "I'll just…uh…go and get something to eat."

"Yeah, you do that, bot breath."

"For the last time, this is not my real voice; it's just some voice emulator I found on the internet."

"Where'd you find it? Botbreath dot org?"

"Stop making fun of me, you Robin Hood wannabe."

"Hey," said F0xH0und, changing the channel on the monitor and prompting Red and ChuckN0rri5 to turn around. "Take a look at these guys on the monitor. They look just like those guys who escaped from their cells the other day."

The monitor showed Hercules98, Senshi, 4NGRYCh|_|k, Johnny7, royalpain22, and Grave heading toward the rogues' server, singing all the way.

"Do you think we should tell the boss about this?" said ChuckN0rri5. "She always said stuff about being prepared."

"That's right, ChuckN0rri5," said Buttons3, coming in on her lackeys, "and I say let them come."

"But isn't the whole point of having a secret hideout so that people won't come looking for us?"

"Normally, yes, but now that they know where we are, it's time for us to take them out once and for all."

"Why can't we all just log out as soon as they come here? It'll make them think nobody's here."

"Because we've got me," said |_|z1B4z00k4, dropping in front of ChuckN0rri5.

"How are you going to help?"

"I'm a hacker, remember? I'll just turn on my invincible and insta-kill hacks and take them all out myself, like this."

|_|z1B4z00k4 walked off the edge of the stage and SD'd, then respawned in front of his fellow rogues.

"Now hit me."

"Okay," said F0xH0und, walking up to |_|z1B4z00k4. "My, those wings of yours are so broad."

"I said 'hit me,' not 'hit on me,' you knucklehead."

"Ooooooh. I have a hard time telling the difference."

"Fine, fine," snickered Red, pushing F0xH0und out of the way. "So what'll it be? Bomb, arrow, boomerang, or sword."

"Anything," said |_|z1B4z00ka.

"Here goes."

Red slashed at |_|z1B4z00k4 with a fully charged side smash, but as soon as his sword met |_|z1B4z00k4's head, the whole scene was replaced by the blue screen of death.

"Hey, what's going on here?"

"Now look what you've done, you idiot!" exclaimed |_|z1B4z00k4. "You crashed the server!"

"Me? YOU turned on the hacks!"

"But you triggered them wrong!"

"I think I know how to trigger those hacks right," said F0xH0und, "if you know what I mean."

"Shut up, F0xH0und!"

"All of you, shut up!" shouted Buttons3. "This isn't anything I can't handle; I just need to reboot the server."

"But don't you need admin privileges to do that?" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Oh, right. Then I guess we'll just wait for an admin to reboot the server."

"But isn't this server abandoned or something?"

"Not exactly; all we have to do is wait for the server to reboot itself. We should be fine."

"But you just said—"

"I know what I said! SHUT UP!"

* * *

At that moment, our heroes were just about to enter the treacherous abyss that was server 56Q, and far ahead of them sang—and flew—Hercules98.

"_I will beat the odds!  
I can go the distance!  
I will face the world  
fearless, proud, and strong!  
I will please the gods!  
I can go the distance  
'till I find my hero's welcome  
right where I belong!"_

He stopped short at the entrance to the server, found himself face to face with a Giga Bowser bot…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

…screamed like a little girl, turned around, and ran back the way he came, crashing into the others and knocking everyone over…all except Grave, of course.

"Let me guess," she said. "You were singing a reprise of a song from a 90s animated movie, confident about helping us defeat Buttons3 and her guild, when you saw a Giga Bowser guard bot at the entrance of server 56Q, became terrified, ran back here, and tried to hide behind us, only to suddenly lose your footing and crash into Senshi and the others."

"That's pretty much it…" groaned Hercules98.

Well, folks, at this point, you might be thinking about what a cliffhanger this chapter might be leaving you on, but rest assured, the end will come. Then again, that's another day, so as Smash Seed closed in on Buttons3 and her band of rogues, would their final efforts bring victory or defeat? Again, that's another day.


	6. The Not Quite So Big Finale

Chapter 5: The Not Quite So Big Finale

Blah, blah, blah. You know what happened last time. Let's see here…

Grave walked up to the Giga Bowser bot as the rest of our heroes got back on their feet.

"It's all right," she said. "This is just here to let us know that the server is temporarily down."

"Down?" said Johnny7. "I'll bet one of Buttons3's flunkies made it crash somehow."

"Who are you falling fluffy, fluffy?" said a heavily distorted voice to Johnny7. You know, actually, I think he said "Who are you calling flunkies, flunky?" I don't know; that voice masking system makes everybody sound like mind control zombie rabbit people…or something like that.

"Who's there?"

A yellow Mr. Game and Watch player came down in front of Johnny7, forcing him to hop back a bit. When he took a look at the mysterious player's scorecard, he was relieved and excited at the same time.

"i10v3myLip5? Is that you?"

"No," said the Mr. Game and Watch player. "I'm Feefy_H_Bomb, ome of Fuffon3'f moo recruit. i10v3myL1pF if wockf up umber my fupervivon."

"Come on. I know it's you. I just read your scorecard and everything."

"Wook at it again; I'm mpo biff i10v3myL1pF perfon you peep talking about."

"Then why is the username on your scorecard 'i10v3myL1p5'?" asked Grave bluntly.

"Because he's really bad at disguises," said another voice.

"Wha…?" said Johnny7.

A blue Luigi player and a pink Yoshi player landed beside the Mr. Game and Watch player.

"A! Whab are you boing oub of your fellf?" said the Mr. Game and Watch player.

"You don't have to do that anymore," said the Yoshi player. "The server's down."

"In bed," said the Luigi player.

"Stop that!"

"Oh, okay," said the Mr. Game and Watch player in his regular voice, turning to the two newcomers. "I just wanted to mess with my friends' heads before I stopped."

"Well, I dunno if that wouda worked wherever Buttons3's cronies holed you up," said 4NGRYCh|_|k, "but it's good ta have ya back, L1p5."

"I've done hard time, 4NGRYCh|_|k; I'm not the brawler you used to know."

"Hard time? We were only separated for five hours."

"Time runs slower on the inside. It felt like seven or eight hours to me."

Meanwhile, Johnny7 and Hercules98 took a look at the two newcomers' scorecards.

"So, you guys are R0cky and Huge_Success," said Johnny7.

"Who are they?" said Hercules98.

"They're the two players U sent us to rescue; he said he—"

"I never sent you guys to rescue them."

"Not you," said Huge_Success. "U."

"Oh, you mean U, the back alley Sonic player. How have you been, lately, Huge_Success?"

"No, she means—wait a minute," said Johnny7. "You know these guys?"

"Oh yeah," said R0cky. "He joined our guild yesterday, but then left soon after. He kept singing about going the distance and all that."

"What?" said Hercules98. "I like that song."

"Me too, but you don't have to beat us over the head with it all the time."

"Well, obviously, that means you don't like it."

"No, I don't like it when you don't stop singing it over and over again. It gets really annoying after a while, you know, like that fat guy."

"You mean that guy?"

"I'M BIG FAT GUY!" shouted a giant, purple King DeDeDe player in some random flashback that showed him jumping on Hercules98, R0cky, Huge_Success, U, and M11.

"Not him," said R0cky. "The other guy."

"Oh, you mean that guy?" said Hercules98.

"I'M BIG FAT GUY!" shouted a giant, purple King DeDeDe player in some random flashback that showed him jumping on Hercules98, R0cky, Huge_Success, U, and M11.

"That was the same guy!" said R0cky.

"No, this one was holding a Mr. Saturn," said Hercules98.

"Uh, guys," said Grave, "I'd really hate to interrupt, but the bot's leaving."

Sure enough, the Giga Bowser bot jumped out of the stage and left the server.

"Well, I guess this is it," said royalpain22.

"You guess what's it?" said Senshi.

"I guess this is the part where somebody gives some kind of motivational speech before we enter the fray with Buttons3 and her grunts."

"Oh yeah, right."

"Never mind that," said Grave. "Let's roll."

"Okay… Here we go…"

But after a bit of waiting, nobody said or did anything.

"Uh," said 4NGRYCh|_|k, "we ain't movin'."

"Does this count as moving?" said i10v3myL1p5, jumping around in circles and going "LAAAAAABILABILILAIBLIAIIHIBHILAHILHBBBHHHIGHBIOLHI! UIUIGIHHLIBOHOH! HOOOHOOOHOOOHOOO! Hup! Hup! Hanabullah!" like Homer Simpson in…I want to say Tree House of Horror 16 or 17.

"I…guess so…"

"Hey guys," said royalpain22, "where's Johnny7?"

Everybody looked around, and sure enough, Johnny7 was missing.

"He must have gone in to the server," said Senshi, "but why would he…? Of course."

"What?" said i10v3myL1p5.

"Oh, you'll see soon enough…"

"You don't have to say anything, Senshi," said royalpain22, "because I think I already know."

"Oh, don't spoil it," said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

* * *

Meanwhile, Buttons3 managed to reboot server 56Q, and all of her lackeys joined her, ready for battle.

"Well, you guys," she said, "i10v3myL1p5 may have escaped, but he can't have gone far; as you are all no doubt aware, Smash Seed is now practically sitting at our doorstep. They're the reason we're together. They're the reason we've been hiding in the shadows for so long. They're the reason Dangeresque1872 is no longer around with us. We've come too far to fail now, so if we get banned, we get banned, but all I ask of you is this: that if we go down, that we take them all down with us!"

"But what next?" said whiteknightfright. "If you brought us all here because you wanted to take out that guild, what's going to happen to us afterwards?"

"Uh…"

There was a long, awkward moment of silence—except for that same old cricket chirping in the background—when Red spoke up.

"What's the matter, boss?" he said. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Quiet," replied Buttons3. "I haven't thought that far ahead yet."

"Why don't we go on to take over Dairantus?" said |_|z1B4z00k4. "If it wasn't for that guild, Dangeresque1872 would've done it months ago. Am I right or am I right?"

The other grunts muttered amongst themselves while Buttons3 kept thinking. Meanwhile, F0xH0und turned on the monitor and noticed our heroes standing at the entrance to the rogues' server.

"Hey guys," he said. "Take a look at these guys on the monitor. They look just like the guys who escaped from their cells the other day."

"That IS them, you numbskull!" said |_|z1B4z00k4. "Now stop acting so damn stupid and do something!"

"Like what?"

"What do you think? Get out there and fight!"

"Why are they just standing there?" said ChuckN0rri5. "The Giga Bowser bot's gone and the server is online again."

"Oh yeah," said whiteknightfright. "Why haven't they moved in to try and finish us off?"

"They must be trying to draw us out," said Buttons3. "Let's not give them that pleasure and keep waiting for them to come to us. Pretty soon, they'll have to come in, and when they do, we'll separate them and pick them off one by one."

"Dibs on the Lucario chick," said Red.

"Leave that Donkey Kong rageaholic to me," said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Hey, I want to fight the Donkey Kong rageaholic," said ChuckN0rri5. "Ganondorf is designed to counter big, heavy characters like Donkey Kong."

"No, let me fight him," said whiteknightfright. "I'm the best character in Brawl."

"What about that Mr. Game and Watch player?" said F0xH0und. "He looks weak enough."

"He's mine!" shouted all the other grunts at once, prompting a huge shouting match between them over who would fight whom.

"No, I'll fight him!" shouted |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Help me, Chuck Norris!" said ChuckN0rri5.

"You had your chance and you blew it," said Red.

"No, I'll fight him! I'm the best!" said whiteknightfright.

And this kept going for a while until Buttons3 whistled loudly at them all to be quiet.

"Listen here," she said. "I don't care which of you fights whom; you can all gang up on one player if you have to. But none of you lay a hand on Senshi; he's mine."

"But what if you fail?" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Obviously, we then move in and finish HIM off, you peabrain," said |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Yeah," said Red. "Or else, you'll end up like |_|z1B4z00k4 did a few minutes ago."

"Yeah, exactly."

But then, |_|z1B4z00k4 turned to Red with surprise and bemusement.

"Wait. What? I told you before; you triggered my hacks wrong."

"No, I didn't," replied Red. "You told me to hit you, so I did. Maybe you just set up the wrong hacks."

"Those hacks I set up would've crashed the server if triggered by a fully charged smash attack, which nobody seems to bother using anymore except for edge hogging."

"Then I guess it didn't occur to you to fix that patch, huh?"

"Hey guys," said Johnny7. "I think I might have an idea how to fix that hack. Have you tried—?"

"It's Johnny7!" said Buttons3.

"Who?" said F0xH0und.

Before anyone could say anything, Johnny7 was already on his way out the server.

"Catch me if you can, you big jerks!" he taunted.

"You little pest!" shouted whiteknightfright, chasing after him. "Come back here!"

"Wait!" said Buttons3. "Stay where you—whiteknightfright!"

But it was too late. Johnny7 ran to some random custom stage out of the story with whiteknightfright hot on his tail.

She quickly caught up to him with a dash attack, but he jumped and back air attacked her, knocking her back a bit. Getting up, whiteknightfright leapt at Johnny7 with a short hopping forward air attack, but Johnny7 sidestepped and countered with an up tilt followed by an up air attack, but he was hit by whiteknightfright's down air counterattack. She then hit him with another hopping down air attack, then another, and another, but on the fifth strike, Johnny7 air dodged and countered with a back air attack, sending her off to the side. He then followed up with a PK Thunder, popping her higher into the air before he landed safely on the ground.

Whiteknightfright came down with another down air attack, but again, Johnny7 sidestepped and countered with an up tilt, but this time, he used another PK Thunder, popping her up in the air. Anticipating another PK Thunder, whiteknightfright warped behind him with a Dimensional Cape slash, but Johnny7 sidestepped the attack, grabbed her, hit her several times, and then threw her backwards. As she tried to fly up behind him, Johnny7 turned around and hit her with a midair PK Fire, slowly edging her to the ground. He tried to grab her again, but she escaped and knocked him back with a short hopping neutral air attack. She rushed at him and tried to hit him with a dash attack, but he got up and knocked her back. As she got up and prepared for another rush, Johnny7 loosed a third PK Thunder, but instead of aiming it at whiteknightfright, he struck himself and catapulted toward her, slamming into her with a huge blast of electricity and sending her flying away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed whiteknightfright as she flew out of the custom stage all the way back to Buttons3—by then, the other rogues had left the stage to meet with the other members of Smash Seed minus Senshi, who was standing on the end of the stage opposite from Buttons3.

"I told you to stay where you were," said Buttons3 in disgust. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"…Owie…"

"A part of me pities you, Buttons3," said Senshi. "You had to go through all this trouble just for revenge?"

"I know," said Buttons3. "You can't get any good help, these days. Anyway, are you prepared to pay for what you did to Dangeresque1872?"

"No, and as long as I can hold my controller, I won't let my friends down, especially not today. It is you who will pay, Buttons3, for kidnapping all those innocent players the same way Dangeresque1872 did, including i10v3myL1p5."

"Bring it on."

Senshi dashed and Buttons3 floated to the center of the stage, but before they could make it there…

"We-heh-heh-heh-llll, what have we here?" said a voice. Senshi and Buttons3 jumped back for a moment as a splendid Snake player came down between them.

"Who are you?" said Buttons3 in surprise and alarm. "What are you doing in my server?"

"Your server?" said the Snake player. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You mean MY server. The name's Teh_Judge, and I'm the chairman 'a' the second annual Dairantus Grand Tourney. You two did a fine job, I say, a FINE job promotin' the tourney for the masses."

"Wait a minute," said Senshi. "This whole series of events was just one big publicity stunt?"

"Ayup."

"So you knew that all those players would just disappear?"

"Ayup."

"You knew I was out for revenge on Smash Seed?" said Buttons3.

"Ayup."

"You knew Hercules98 would run away and scream like a baby?" said Senshi.

"Ayup."

"You knew Smash Seed would find us?" said Buttons3.

"Ayup."

"You knew we'd run into all those wacky situations?" said Senshi.

"Ayup."

"You knew Red and |_|z1B4z00k4 would crash the server?" said Buttons3.

"Ah, nope."

Wait a minute. So this whole story up until now was just one big publicity stu—oh, wait a minute. Senshi said that already. Anyway, now that this saga has come to such an anticlimax, how will the two guilds settle this dispute in the Dairantus Grand Tourney? Well, I guess we'll just have to find out next time.


	7. Round 1, Begin!

Chapter 6: Round 1, Begin!

By now, you're probably thinking "WTF? Where'd Teh_Judge come from? And no, I don't mean that; I mean how did he get in this story?" Well, your guess is as good as mine, so let me get you caught up.

After Teh_Judge interrupted what should've been the climactic ending battle scene between Senshi and Buttons3 and announced that the whole story up to that point was just a big promotional stunt for the second annual Dairantus Grand Tourney—which, as it turned out, was just about to begin registration that day—he got both guilds to group amongst themselves and register for the tourney. He even managed to convince Buttsons3 to release all the prisoners, telling her she could have them back if she won. She told him they had served their purpose and that they were free to go either way.

Within the next week or so, the tourney was in full swing with hundreds of teams, some of them guilds. Our heroes banded together as Smash Seed, while Buttons3 and her grunts registered as The Master Hand. Hercules98, R0cky, and Huge_Success regrouped with U and M11, and together, they joined as The Immortals. Like I said, there were hundreds of others, but why would I bother naming them all? By the time I finished, this chapter would be longer than the book of Psalms in the Bible.

Anyway, the rules of the tourney are as follows:

A team that registers for the tourney must consist of 2 to 8 players, and can only register once.

When two teams fight each other, each guild can only use as many members as whichever guild has the lower number of members.

The team with the lower average win percentage sets the format of the match, while the team with the higher average win percentage sets the stage. No custom stages allowed.

A win counts as three points for the team, a tie counts as one point, and a loss counts as zero points.

No team may challenge another team more than once a day for points.

At the end of the tourney period, the 64 teams with the most points, highest win percentages, and most favorable matchups will be selected to compete in a championship tournament. Any teams with identical stats vying for 64th seed will be pitted against each other in a wild card match with rules set by the tourney administrators.

Any team in violation of these rules will be issued a warning for the first and second minor offenses. On the third minor offense, that team will be disqualified regardless of stats. Any team found guilty of a major offense will immediately be disqualified. Basically, no cheating.

There are no other rules.

Remember that, now.

* * *

When the day of the beginning of the tourney finally arrived, two teams were randomly chosen to fight an exhibition match for the crowd. The two teams met on opposite ends of a massive custom stage that resembled a football stadium with two platforms on either side and two elevator platforms in the middle. You know, I never did quite figure out why they call that sport football when all you ever really do with your feet is run around like a mad bull and tackle people everywhere you go. But enough about misnomers; let's get back to the story. Down to a platform high above the stage descended Teh_Judge, accompanied by a default R.O.B. player and a blue Toon Link player.

"Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, and everybody else in the world" said Teh_Judge, "welcome, one and all, to the second annual Dairantus Guh-rand Tourney! I'm your host, Teh_Judge, and these here are my wingmen, SonnyBoi and Buck3tH34d!"

The crowd cheered loudly as the R.O.B. and Toon Link players greeted the crowd.

"Now lemme hear you say 'Yeah!'"

A wave of applause rippled over the audience.

"I can't hear you!"

Another wave of applause rippled over the audience.

"Close enough! Now for today's exhibition match, we have two highly heated teams rarin' ta go, I say, RARIN' ta go!"

He and turned to the team on the left side of the stage, where U, M11, R0cky, Huge_Success, and Hercules98 stood.

"In this corner, with five smokin' hot, I say SMOKIN' hot members: U, M11, R0cky, Huge_Succe—"

"Wait a second," said the Toon Link player. "We're not competing in this tourney, are we?"

"'Course not, SonnyBoi. I said U and M11, not you and me. Try readin' the script once in a while."

"Oh yeah, right."

Some people in the audience started laughing, but Teh_Judge wasn't fazed.

"Now where was I?" said Teh_Judge. "Oh, yeah. In this corner, with five smokin' hot, I say SMOKIN' hot members: U, M11, R0cky, Huge_Success, and Hercules98 of The Immortals!"

The audience erupted with applause, as did SonnyBoi.

"WHOOO!" he screamed. "This is going to be awesome! Wicked righteous!"

Teh_Judge turned to the right side of the stage, where six differently colored Captain Falcon players stood.

"And in this corner," he continued, "with six pumped up, I say, PUMPED UP members: D0uglas, Bl4ckH4wk, Red_Bar0n, Sarge111, Blue_BombAA, and Crrrazy_Steve of The Craptain Falcons!"

The audience erupted with laughter as Teh_Judge spoke. SonnyBoi's opinion was different.

"WHOOO!" he hollered. "This is going to be awesome! Falcon kickass!"

"So, before we begin," continued Teh_Judge, "let's have a rundown 'a' who's got the edge. Buck3tH34d?"

"Thanks, Teh_Judge," said the R.O.B. player, turning to the left side of the stage. "Now, the members of The Immortals are all good contenders. Their leader, U, a Sonic player, is their best member with a win percentage of 54.73% and decent matchups, especially against enemies who underestimate his KO potential. Their next best player is Huge_Success, a Yoshi player with a win percentage of 55.02% but more specialized matchups; she tends to fight against slow, ground based enemies much more effectively than against anything else."

"Well, what about that Hercules98 guy?" said SonnyBoi. "He's got a win percentage of 100%."

"True, but he's only fought four battles in the short time he's played Brawl, and all of them were against fellow newcomers, three of whom had never fought before. Any comments, SonnyBoi?"

"Just this: it's going to be AWESOME! WHOOO!"

"Right."

Buck3tH34d turned to the right side of the stage.

"Now on the other side, The Craptain Falcons—"

He was interrupted by more laughter from the audience.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Ignore them," said Teh_Judge. "It's what I do."

"Okay. As I was saying, The Craptain Falcons—"

More laughter from the audience. Buck3tH34d was really starting to get irritated this time, but amidst the uproarious laughter, he continued.

"The Craptain Falcons are also…"

Laughing.

"…fairly good competitors…"

More laughing.

"…and are known for taking on highly experienced teams of players who underestima—oh, come on!"

Even more laughing. Buck3tH34d tried his best to shush the crowd, flailing his arms above his head with up tilts, but the more he did, the more the audience laughed at him as well as at The Craptain Falcons' silly team name. Even SonnyBoi was laughing at this point. But then…

"QUIET!111111111111"

Utter silence.

"I never thought there'd be a moment in my life when I heard someone scream louder than 4NGRYCh|_|k," said a dumbstruck Senshi from server 56T (more on that later)—which unfortunately can't be shown because he, like everybody else in this story, is being depicted as an emotionless video game character, "but here it is."

"Yeah," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Y're tellin' me, pal. Gotta admit, though; 'Crapt'n Falcons' ain't exactly a name ya can take seriously."

"Now that is a name I'd never think up," said i10v3myL1p5, trying his hardest to suppress his laughter, "unless it was for some sick joke."

"Don't tell us, i10v3myL1p5," said royalpain22. "There are some things I don't need to know."

Meanwhile, back in the story…

"Alright," said Buck3tH34d, catching his breath. "Now as I was saying, the members of The Craptain Falcons are also good competitors. All six of them play as Captain Falcon and all of them have win percentages above 50% and surprisingly good matchups against all player types. Their best player is Blue_BombAA, their blue Captain Falcon, with a win percentage of 55.34%, followed by Red_Bar0n, their red Captain Falcon, with a win percentage of 55.09%."

"So why are they called…pfgpmth…'The Craptain Falcons'?" snickered SonnyBoi.

"I have no idea. Anyway, given all their statistics and what could possibly happen during this match, I don't think either team has the edge here."

"We-heh-heh-heh-llll, the only way we'll know fer sure," said Teh_Judge, "is to have 'em duke it out. Am I right or am I right?"

"I guess you're right, boss."

Buck3tH34d turned to face both teams.

"And now, will each team send one representative to the center of the stage and await transfer to server 56S?"

R0cky stepped forward from The Immortals' side of the stage to meet his opponent, the green Captain Falcon player, Sarge111.

"You're goin' down, clown!" said Sarge111.

"In bed," replied R0cky.

"Stop saying that!" shouted Huge_Success.

"Alright," said Teh_Judge. "Run the rules of this exhibition match by us again, will ya, Buck3tH34d?"

"Certainly," said Buck3tH34d. "Each battle will be a three-stock match with no items, no time limit, normal handicap, and normal gravity."

"WHOOO!" hollered SonnyBoi. "This is going to be awesome!"

"Yes, we heard you the first time."

"Okey doke," said Teh_Judge. "The stage for the first battle will be the Bridge of Eldin. Players ready?"

"Ready!" said Sarge111 and R0cky.

"In bed," whispered R0cky to himself.

"Admins ready?" said Teh_Judge.

"Ready," said Buck3tH34d.

"Booya!" said SonnyBoi.

"Let's get this party started!" said Teh_Judge as the two players stepped onto the elevator platforms. "3. 2. 1. LET'S GO!"

On cue, the elevator platforms whisked R0cky and Sarge111 to server 56S, where they would battle at the Bridge of Eldin while everyone would watch. Teh_Judge, Buck3tH34d, and SonnyBoi went back to the server they came from.

* * *

"Geez!" said 4NGRYCh|_|k as he and the other members of Smash Seed—along with hundreds of other teams—watched from server 56T, which had a custom stage that looked like a gigantic hotel lobby. "Why couldn't we be the ones kickin' butt today?"

"Be patient," said Grave. "We'll get our chance once this exhibition match is over."

"Besides," said royalpain22, "The Immortals and the Craptain Falcons—"

At that moment, i10v3myL1p5 couldn't suppress his laughter any longer, and he burst out laughing.

"Alright, seriously. At first it was funny, but now it's just getting annoying."

"Oh, sorry, royalpain22," said i10v3myL1p5, catching his breath. "It's just…(gasp)…okay. I'm good. Never mind."

"I can see why those guys would name themselves like that, though," said Johnny7. "Captain Falcon was the lowest ranked character on the 2008 and 2009 tier lists, so maybe they named themselves that way as a joke."

"Or maybe they realized that the tier lists are just analysis lists that new players take for face value," said royalpain22. "Remember, it's not exactly the character; it's how you use him or her."

"Isn't that why you play as Zelda?"

"Pretty much; I like using her because she suits my playstyle well. It's kind of how we all picked our characters, like 4NGRYCh|_|k and Grave."

"Ya got a point, theah," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "I've played as Donkey Kong evah since the N64 days; 'e's fast, strong, tough, an' doesn't need one iota 'a' cheapness ta send people packin'."

"I started playing the original Super Smash Bros. as Samus," said Grave, "but then I switched to Mewtwo in Melee and Lucario in Brawl; I was more comfortable using them."

"Well, I never played the original Super Smash Bros. or Melee," said Johnny7. "I just picked a character and stuck with him."

"In bed," said R0cky from outside the story.

"Who said that?"

* * *

As Teh_Judge, Buck3tH34d, and SonnyBoi watched from server 56R, on a podium on a custom stage that looked like a sports commentator booth, a black Olimar player holding a Bob-omb walked in.

"Hello, sir," said the Olimar player. "I wish to make a complaint."

"A complaint?" said Teh_Judge. "About what?"

"About this Bob-omb that I bought here two hours ago."

"Oh yeah. What's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it: it's a dud."

"A dud? No way, I say, NO WAY is that possible. Maybe it's just restin'."

"Look, sir. I know a dud Bob-omb when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

"No, no, it's not a dud. It's restin'."

"Alright, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up. Hello, Bobby! I've got a nice kung fish for you when you wake up, Bobby Bob-omb!"

Teh_Judge ran up to the Olimar player and nudged him a bit.

"There, it moved," he said.

"No, it didn't," replied the Olimar player. "That was you pushing me!"

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

The Olimar player started hopping around the stage, as if trying to shake the Bob-omb awake.

"Hello, Bobby! Booooobbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

He ran into a wall several times.

"Bobby Bob-omb, wake up!"

And then a couple more times.

"Bobby!"

He then threw the Bob-omb at the ground, and sure enough, it just bounced up without exploding and landed between him and Teh_Judge.

"You see? That's a textbook dud."

"No, no, it's stunned, I say, STUNNED," said Teh_Judge.

"Stunned? What kind of talk is that? A Bob-omb is an item; it's not alive, and it was never alive to begin with."

"Clearly, you haven't brushed up, I say, BRUSHED UP on your Nintendo facts. Bob-ombs are cute, little creatures that—"

"No, not the Bob-ombs in the Mario games. I'm talking about the Bob-ombs in Brawl. This Bob-omb was supposed to blow up on impact, and here it is just sitting here and acting useless."

"Then why don't you just tell this as a bug report? I'm sure the admins will fix it for ya."

"Oh, well in that case, I'd like to file a bug report about this Bob-omb. For some reason, it won't explode when I throw it at anything."

"Let's see what I can do about it…"

With a side smash, Teh_Judge pointed an RPG at the Olimar player's feet, charged it, and fired. The blast sent the Olimar player flying out of the stage and over the horizon as a star, and also set off the Bob-omb. Its blast knocked Teh_Judge back a bit, but he got back up.

"Was that really necessary, boss?" said Buck3tH34d, turning away from his commentator seat.

"Yessiree," said Teh_Judge. "Remember: most human problems can be solved with the right amount 'a' high expuh-losives."

"Whatever you say."

"WHOOO!" hollered SonnyBoi. "This is awesome! Buck3tH34d, look! You're missing all the action!"

"…"

And thus did the second annual Dairantus Grand tourney begin. How would our heroes fare in this epic competition of epic…uh…epicness? I don't really care; I get paid either way. Oh, wait a minute. No, I don't…


	8. Noob is a Relative Term

Chapter 7: Noob is a Relative Term

Well, to cut a long story short, it was a very close match, but in the end, The Craptain Falcons beat The Immortals; R0cky and U beat Sarge111 and Crrrazy_Steve while M11, Huge_Success, and Hercules98 lost to D0uglas, Bl4ckH4wk, and Blue_BombAA. Afterwards, the two teams regrouped at server 56T.

"Ugh, no!" said a very upset Hercules98. "We lost! And it was all because of me!"

"Aw, chin up, mate," said U. "It's not your fault."

"Oh, yes it is! You and R0cky had wins under your belt, M11 and Huge_Success lost, you were all counting on me to save the day, and I blew it!"

"Once again, it's not your fault. Everyone loses sometimes, even those chums from Smash Seed. It's not a matter of how good your record is; what matters is that you pick yourself up every time you stumble."

"I know, but I didn't just lose; I sucked! I had Blue_BombAA on the ropes, he was down to his last stock, I was just about to deal the final blow, and then he just exploded and pulverized me. I never got to hit him even once as he ate up my entire three life stock. And before you say anything else, I know it was just an exhibition match, but that's not the point."

"Maybe I should talk to him," said M11.

"You can talk?" said R0cky.

"Of course. I just never get to say anything because you four never stop yapping."

Everyone paused for a few seconds and stared at M11 for a bit.

"That's not true," said Hercules98, who suddenly didn't seem upset anymore.

"Yes, it is," said M11. "I tried to tell you guys that I had a better chance against Blue_BombAA than against D0uglas, but noooooo. You, Hercules98, had to stay in the back until you could get a chance to be an 11th hour hero, which, in the grand scheme of things, could've gone better if you hadn't been so cocky."

"M11, don't you think that's a little harsh?" said U.

"What? I thought it would fit with the whole 'good cop, bad cop' theme. You know, like you and Huge_Success are the good cops and R0cky and I are the bad cops."

"What does that make me?" said Hercules98.

"I'm one of the bad cops, Hercules98. Weren't you listening?"

"No, not you, M11. Me."

"You're not M11; I'm M11."

"That's what I just said."

"No, you—oh, wait. You did? Oh, never mind, then. The point is that nobody wins every time, so when the losses come, you just have to roll with it."

"That's kind of what U just said."

"I didn't sa—oh, wait. You mean U, don't you? Oh, okay."

"Right. Anyway, you know? You're right. Next time we face those clowns, they're going down."

"That's assuming there IS a next time," said R0cky. "There are at least two dozen thousand something other teams in this tourney, and we and the Craptain Falcons only make up two. Do the math."

Long pause.

"What are you guys staring at me for?"

"Uh," said U, "we'd do the math, but 'two dozen thousand something' isn't a real number."

"Whatever."

* * *

Over the following two weeks, the tourney raged on. Battles were fought, friends were made, dialogue was exchanged, yadyadyada, etc. etc. etc. etc. Near the end of the second week, the main segment of the tourney was just about halfway done when Grave, i10v3myL1p5, Johnny7, royalpain22, 4NGRYCh|_|k, and Senshi entered server 56W.

The stage was a jumbo sized version of Luigi's Mansion, a dark, scary mansion in the heart of a gloomy forest. On the other side of the stage were a black Bowser player, a blue Ice Climbers player, a white Kirby player, a green Lucas player, a red Snake player, and a purple Samus player.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," said Grave, prompting i10v3myL1p5 to imitate Chewbacca from Star Wars. "That wasn't necessary."

"What?" said i10v3myL1p5. "Don't you get it?"

"This is serious. Those players all have win percentages in the mid-80s and very impressive matchups."

"So?"

"So that means we can't take them too lightly, or else…"

"Or else, what?"

"Or else, we'll lose. What do you think?"

"I think that Samus player is coming over to greet us. You'd better turn around and try to talk to him…or her."

Sure enough, the Samus player was on his/her way to meet the members of Smash Seed.

"Well, it's nice ta meet new peeps before a fight, right?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k, stepping in front of Grave and i10v3myL1p5. "'Ey, theah. What's up?"

[Hello,] said the Samus player—in Japanese.

"Say what?"

[I assume you're here to challenge my team, right? My username is 16O1Sakura, by the way.]

"Eh? Whatcha sayin'?"

[What's wrong? Do you have rubbish in your ears?]

"Obviously, Japanese isn't your strong suit, 4NGRYCh|_|k," said royalpain22, stepping in front of the Donkey Kong player. "Let me try; I took two years of it in high school."

Royalpain22 took a deep breath and started talking to the team's new acquaintance in Japanese…or at least trying to.

[How much is your fish from Easter dance?]

[Huh?] said the Samus player. [Why are you talking gibberish?]

[Maybe I'll just squeak the…in…face…way too tight.]

"Ahem," said a rather embarrassed Senshi, stepping in front of 4NGRYCh|_|k and royalpain22. "Allow me to handle this."

Senshi cleared his throat and started talking to the team's new acquaintance in Japanese.

[Hello. Sorry about my friends.]

[That's okay,] said the Samus player. [I didn't really expect them to—]

[Wait a minute. Yukari-chan? Is that you?]

[Of course it's me, Sasuke-kun. You thought that after all this time, I'd forgotten you?]

[I told you never to call me that online; it's embarrassing.]

[Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, for crying out loud, you don't have to be so secretive all the time, you know.]

"I'd really hate to break up this touching meeting," said 4NGRYCh|_|k, "but WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU SAYIN'?"

"I'm going to have to agree with 4NGRYCh|_|k on this one, minus the screaming, of course," said royalpain22. "Do you two know each other?"

"Well, uh," said Senshi. "She's a…girl…I used to know…"

"Used to know?" said Johnny7. "Like since elementary school?"

"It's called grade school in Japan, but yes, I knew her then…heh…"

"You're blushing, aren't you?" said Grave.

"What? I mean, no."

He turned back to 16O1Sakura in embarrassment.

[Tell them we're just friends, please.]

[Oh, don't deny it, Sasuke-kun,] replied 16O1Sakura rather slyly.

[Deny what?]

[Don't you remember? That time in high school? You know, where you broke your shin and I came into your room with that cute little cherry blossom in my hair?]

[Not now, please! Not now!]

"What's the matter, Senshi?" said Johnny7. "Is that embarrassment I hear in your voice?"

[Y-you stay out of—] "Oh, sorry. Uh, y-you stay out of this!"

"Come on, Senshi. This matter concerns us as much as it concerns you."

"Alright. We can talk this over later, when we win this match."

[So, Sasuke-kun,] said 16O1Sakura, [what do you say? Team Battle Royale, 3 stock each, no items?]

[We of Smash Seed accept your challenge, Yukari-chan.]

[Good luck.]

16O1Sakura ran back to her team excitedly.

[Let's go, Urotander!] she shouted. [This is our time to shine!]

"Get ready, everyone," said Senshi. "This match is a 3-stock Team Battle Royale, so don't hold back."

The two teams wasted no time giving it all they had…well, not exactly. To cut a long story short, this was a really, really, REALLY close and epic match, but in the end, Smash Seed wasn't on its A game, and 16O1Sakura's team, Team Urotander, came out on top. Also, Team Urotander's other members got to reveal their usernames during and after the fight. The Bowser player was Y4m1; the Ice Climbers player was 415|_|; the Kirby player was Zeeky_H_B0mb; the Lucas player was ROFLRyuusei; and the Snake player was MetalMan2.

[Whew,] said 16O1Sakura. [You didn't look so good today. What happened?]

[Heh,] said Senshi nervously. [Well, you see, the thing is that I was just stunned to see you in… such a long time…]

[Yeah, I know. When I heard you were moving to America for a few years, I wondered when you'd be back. Did you read any of those e-mails I sent you?]

[What e-mails? I didn't realize you even had an e-mail address. What is it?]

[Hee hee. Why don't you check your e-mail account every once in a while?]

[Oh, uh, I guess I forgot. My team and I recently regrouped to hunt down a player named Buttons3, so I mean…]

[Buttons3? You mean the Peach player leading those noobs we clobbered the other day on server 56G?]

The story cut to a flashback showing Urotander beating the ever loving snot out of Buttons3 and her grunts at Hyrule Temple.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" said Buttons3 flying over the horizon by MetalMan2.

"OH MY GOD!" said Red, getting grab beaten by ROFLRyuusei. "IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND LIKE THAT!"

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" said whiteknightfright getting Bowsercided by Y4m1.

"Owie!" said ChuckN0rri5 getting spiked by 16O1Sakura. "Not the face!"

"THE PAIN IS WORSE THAN A THOUSAND EXPLO—OH MY GOD!" said |_|z1B4z00k4 getting chain grabbed, spiked, and then side smashed off the stage by 415|_|.

"Hey, this is kind of cozy," said F0xH0und getting Kirbycided by Zeeky_H_B0mb.

Back in the present, Senshi was laughing with amusement.

[That must've been a painful replay to watch,] he said. [So, do you think we'll see each other in the tourney again, Yukari-chan?]

[Well…] said 16O1Sakura, [let's just say I'd kiss you for luck if I could. See you later.]

[You too, Yukari-chan…]

And with that, 16O1Sakura and her team left the server, leaving behind a profoundly smitten Senshi—which, again, can't be shown because he's being depicted as an emotionless video game character. Nonetheless, he felt those emotions as he watched her leave. The others' opinions were mixed, though.

"Yeah! I nevah realized 'ow much I missed that kinda action," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Whaddya say we bring our A game next time we see 'em, gang?"

"I'm game," said Johnny7.

"Waffles!" said i10v3myL1p5.

"…" said Grave, nodding on the inside.

"I don't believe it…" said royalpain22. "I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT!"

"Whoa, what's wrong?" said Johnny7. "There's nothing wrong with losing to a team like that."

"I'm not upset that we lost; I'm upset that we were SO CLOSE! So close. We tripped at the finish line. And why? Because somebody—and I won't mention any names here—couldn't focus."

"Yeesh," said 4NGRYCh|_|k to himself. "An' she says I have anger issues…"

"What did you say?"

"I said you—guh."

Grave hit 4NGRYCh|_|k with a standard attack that prompted him to change what he was saying.

"I said, uh, 'Ya need a tissue?'"

"No, but thanks for the offer."

"Oh, come on, royalpain22," said i10v3myL1p5. "You can't blame Senshi for making us lose; that Team Urotander caught us all off guard. I mean, come on. That Y4m1 guy Bowsercided you twice before 4NGRYCh|_|k managed to take him out, and then HE got taken out by MetalMan2."

"Yeah, exactly," said Johnny7. "And ROFLRyuusei guy kept sabotaging my sabotage."

"And let's not forget 415|_|," said Grave. "Anyone able to fight that well when the Ice Climbers are separated deserves special mention."

"I'm not blaming Senshi, guys; I'm blaming that Zeeky_H_B0mb," said royalpain22. "That little twerp's Hammer robbed me of my chance to take out 16O1Sakura. I almost had her; I was THIS close."

She did a side taunt to try and demonstrate how close she was.

"And don't even get me started on how he kept saying 'Zeeky boogy doog!' over and over again. What was he trying to do, annoy us to death?"

"Don't be so upset," said Johnny7. "We still have an impressive track record when it comes to us and everybody else in this tourney."

"Right, kid," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Besides, where's the fun in fightin' a bunch 'a' chumps who can't tell the difference between a C-stick and a sensor bar? There's always next time."

"_Some things in life are bad,_" sang i10v3myL1p5.  
"_They can really make you mad.  
Other things just make you swear and curse—_"

"Shut up; you're not helpin'."

* * *

Meanwhile, on server 56F, at a jumbo sized version of Castle Warfare Phase 1, Buttons3 and her team of rogues, known as The Master Hand, stood opposite a blue Mario player, a yellow Diddy Kong player, a white Jigglypuff player, and a default Pokemon Trainer player playing as Squirtle.

"So, do you accept our challenge or not?" said Buttons3.

"Of course not; you are English types-a," said the Mario player, leT4unt3r, in the worst French accent since the French taunters.

"No, we're not."

"Yeah," said Red. "What are you, anyway?"

"I'm French," said leT4unt3r. "Why do you think I have this outrrrrageous accent, you silly princess-a?"

"What are you doing here if you never fight anybody?" said whiteknightfright.

"Mind your own business."

"If you don't stand aside right now," said Buttons3, "this will be out business."

"You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Buttons3, you and all you silly English knnnnnnnnnighets!"

LeT4unt3r blew a raspberry into his mike while The Master Hand watched awkwardly.

"What a strange person," said ChuckN0rri5. "Now, look here, sir—"

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food trough wiper," continued leT4unt3r. "I…fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

"Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" said F0xH0und.

"No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a."

"Now, this is your last chance," said Buttons3. "I've been more than reasonable."

"Fetchez la vache," said leT4unt3r to his teammates.

"Quoi?" said the Jigglypuff player.

"Fetchez la vache."

"Moooooooo," said a random brown King DeDeDe bot.

"You have fifteen seconds to move, or we'll—" said Buttons3.

Just then, several things happened at once.

"BOING!" said a random catapult.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the King DeDeDe bot.

"OH MY GOD!" said Buttons3.

"Help me, Chuck Norris!" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Wait, where'd that cow come from?" said F0xH0und.

"That's not a cow, you idiot," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "That's a—"

And then, the King DeDeDe bot squashed |_|z1B4z00k4, buried him in the dirt, and ran out of the server.

"Right," said Buttons3. "Master Hand, ATTACK!"

And with that, Buttons3 and her team ran headlong at leT4unt3r and his team, screaming and yelling. The next thing anybody knew, leT4unt3r's team was throwing a seemingly endless stream of random items—and bots making animal noises—at The Master Hand. It was total mayhem.

"Hey, this one's for your mother," said leT4unt3r. "There you go."

No matter how hard they tried, The Master Hand couldn't get past the endless stream of nonsense.

"And this one's for your dad."

"RETREAT!" said Buttons3.

The Master Hand ran away, screaming and yelling, and leT4unt3r blew a triumphant raspberry at the fleeing rogues. They regrouped near the edge of the stage where |_|z1B4z00k4 managed to get out of the ground.

"Those jackasses," he said. "I'll tear them all apart."

"Wait," said F0xH0und. "I have a better idea."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really."

…

About an hour later, |_|z1B4z00k4 managed to hack into the Dairantus mainframe and create a Trojan Rabbit dummy bot that The Master Hand pushed to the edge of where leT4unt3r stood. Not one to refuse a gift, leT4unt3r convinced his teammates to help him carry the bot behind their part of the stage. Meanwhile, Buttons3 and her grunts hid at their end of the stage.

"What happens now?" said Buttons3.

"Well, now," said F0xH0und, "|_|z1B4z00k4, ChuckN0rri5, Red, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit taking leT4unt3r and his team by surprise."

"Uh, who leaps out?"

"Uh, |_|z1B4z00k4, ChuckN0rri5, Red, and I…uh, leap out of the rabbit…and, uh…"

"You knucklehead," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "I knew that plan of yours wouldn't work. And I had to waste a perfectly good hack, too."

"Hey, wait a minute," said ChuckN0rri5. "Where's whiteknightfright?"

"I'm over here," said whiteknightfright.

"Oh, good."

"BOING!" said the catapult, sending the bot flying at The Master Hand.

"RUN!" screamed Buttons3, and The Master Hand ran away, screaming and yelling. Unfortunately, the bot landed on |_|z1B4z00k4, burying him in the dirt.

"Wa ha ha ha ha!" laughted leT4unt3r and his team.

Well, the tourney's winding down, but the action's heating up. How will our heroes manage to get through with such stiff competition? How will our…uh, not quite so evil villains get through with said competition? And who ate my sandwich while I was writing this story?


	9. Teams! Teams! Teams!

Chapter 8: Teams! Teams! Teams!

Over the course of the Dairantus Grand Tourney, Smash Seed had a stellar performance; apart from their loss to Team Urotander and three ties, they were undefeated. The Immortals did very well too; Hercules98 really got to show his team what he was made of in the hope that he could redeem himself despite constantly being told that he didn't need to. The Master Hand, on the other hand—no pun intended—didn't fare very well at all, mainly because of F0xH0und's stupidity, |_|z1B4z00k4's rotten luck, ChuckN0rri5' insecurity, Buttons3's poor leadership, and Red and whiteknightfright's general incompetence. Needless to say, the last few weeks of the tourney were pretty hectic. Here are a few highlights.

* * *

On server 56Y, Smash Seed stood opposite a red Pikachu player, a pink King DeDeDe player, a dark Meta Knight player, and a green Ice Climbers player. The stage: Hanenbow, some kind of cartoony green tree zone with jumping, pink tadpole things everywhere.

"You again?" said Johnny7. "I thought I clobbered you all. Twice. I mean come on; haven't you learned your lesson from Chapter 1?"

"We're ready for you this time," said the Pikachu player, ASH. "This match will be four on one; three stock each, no items, normal handicap, no friendly fire, and normal gravity."

"Okay."

ASH's team turned around and saw Johnny7 standing behind them.

"Hey, how did you get over here so fast?" said the King DeDeDe player, Richard_5immon5.

"Who cares?" said ASH. "Get him!"

All four players ran at Johnny7 with dash attacks, but they all missed as he jumped over them and hit them with a PK Fire. He then smacked them with a side smash, jumped back, and struck himself with a PK Thunder, slamming into them with a massive boom and KOing them all at once.

"You got lucky that time. This time, you're going down!"

And again, Johnny7 pwned them all.

"Okay, we just went easy on you that time. Now you're toast!"

You guessed it; they were toast. Raisin toast.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH! YOU CHEATED! THAT'S WHAT YOU DID; YOU CHEATED!"

"I hardly count beating the ever loving snot out of all of you three times in a row without taking any damage cheating," said Johnny7. "I call it beating up noobs. Sorry, guys, but it's legal…"

"WE DEMAND A REMATCH RIGHT HERE AND NOW! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU HEAR ME?"

"Whereas challenging the same team more than once a day is illegal. I refuse. Sorry."

Johnny7 hopped, skipped, and jumped back to his teammates while ASH hurled insult after useless insult at him and his teammates dragged him out of the server.

* * *

Later that same day, our heroes found themselves at Battlefield, a magnificent stone stage with three small platforms. On the other side of the stage sat a black Captain Falcon player named S0ldier_El1t3, a blue Donkey Kong player named Heavy_Weapon, a white Fox player named M3d1c, a brown Mario player named BRNIN8RSpy, a white Ness player named Force_A_Nature, a red Olimar player named 3ng13, a purple R.O.B. player named Snipebot_Z, and a green Snake player named DemoM4n. The match was a best 4 out of 6 one-on-one series with three stock each and no items.

"I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra," said S0ldier_El1t3, charging at Senshi.

[I don't have a training bra, but we'll see about that,] said Senshi, standing his ground and prompting S0ldier_El1t3 to stop.

"What did you say?"

[I said 'I don't have a training bra, but we'll see about that.']

"That isn't English, is it?"

[You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?]

"ENGLISH, YOU MAGGOT! DO YOU SPEAK IT?"

"Not unless I have to."

"Fine."

Without saying another word, S0ldier_El1t3 swooped in close and tried to short hop Falcon Knee Senshi, but Senshi countered with…well, Counter, sending S0ldier_El1t3 flopping on the ground. Senshi then charged at S0ldier_El1t3 with a short hopping forward air attack and hit him right after he got up. S0ldier_El1t3 jumped on a platform, leapt off of it, and hit Senshi with a diving Falcon Kick, but Senshi recovered and struck S0ldier_El1t3 with a down air attack. He followed up with an up air attack and finally sent him flying over the horizon with an up smash stab that beat S0ldier_El1t3's down air attack.

To make a long story short, from that point on, S0ldier_El1t3 fought as hard as he could, but in the end, Senshi won, only losing one stock in the process.

"Better luck next time," said Senshi to S0ldier_El1t3 before walking back to his teammates.

"Alright," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "Now it's my turn ta rumble."

"Ugh," groaned S0ldier_El1t3. "Give 'em hell, boys."

"I'm coming for you!" roared Heavy_Weapon as he charged along the stage.

"Bring it on, Copy Kong!" replied 4NGRYCh|_|k, running along the stage to meet him.

With loud screams, they both short hop forward air attacked each other, sending them both sprawling on the ground. They got up and swatted at each other, and then Heavy_Weapon grabbed 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"You are not so good as you think," he said before losing his grip.

"Oh, yeah?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k, down tilt attacking Heavy_Weapon and causing him to trip.

He then grabbed his blue counterpart, forward heaved him, carried him to the edge of the stage, and down tossed him. As he moved in for a short hopping down air attack, Heavy_Weapon countered with an up air attack, sending 4NGRYCh|_|k up in the air and buying him time to recover. He then edge attacked his way back on the stage, but 4NGRYCh|_|k air dodged and countered with a short hopping back air attack, which Heavy_weapon dodged.

The great apes went at it hammer and tongs, screaming and roaring all the way, but 4NGRYCh|_|k found brief moments in time to charge his Giant Punch while Heavy_Weapon more or less forgot about his. Finally, when they each had high damage and only one stock left, 4NGRYCh|_|k buried Heavy_Weapon in the dirt with a Headbutt and had a fully charged Giant Punch ready.

"M3d1c!" said Heavy_Weapon.

"Ja?" said M3d1c.

"Help me!"

"No."

And with a loud roar, 4NGRYCh|_|k slugged Heavy_Weapon clear out of the stage. He trudged over to his teammates, breathing heavily, and then crouched down to show his exhaustion.

"Okay," he gasped. "I think that's it for me."

"Ooh, my turn," said i10v3myL1p5, running to his spot on the stage.

"Don't fret, boyo," said DemoM4n taking his spot on the stage. "I'll be gentle!"

"And I'll be i10v3myL1p5."

"Come and get me, I say!"

"No, you come and get ME!"

DemoM4n readied a hand grenade, sidestep dropped it, then picked it up, waited for a few seconds, and threw it at i10v3myL1p5. I1ov3myL1p5 sidestepped, short hopped, and threw a couple of sausages with his Waiter attack, but DemoM4n dove at him with a dash attack and knocked him back. To make matters worse…well, yadyadyada, etc. etc. etc. etc. In the end, DemoM4n lost two lives, but he beat i10v3myL1p5.

"Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together," said DemoM4n to the defeated i10v3myL1p5, "IN HELL!"

"I'd be there by now," gasped i10v3myL1p5, "but God won't let me go."

And to cut a short story shorter, Johnny7 lost to Force_A_Nature while royalpain22 and Grave defeated 3ng13 and Snipebot_Z. BRNIN8RSpy and M3d1c just watched, to which their teammates did not take kindly to.

"Oh dear," said BRNIN8RSpy. "I've made quite a mess."

"What are you talking about?" said 3ng13 angrily. "All you did was sit here with M3d1c and watch us get our cans handed to us. Now c'mere, sissy! I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule!"

"After you."

"You! Stop where you are!" said S0ldier_El1t3. "That is an order."

"Play ball!" said Force_A_Nature.

"Entire team is babies!" said Heavy_Weapon.

"Do not do it!" said S0ldier_El1t3.

But it was too late. Before our heroes knew what was happening, their opponents were fighting each other.

"Now, it's my killing time!"

"Would you like a second opinion? You are also ugly."

"I'm drunk. You don't have an excuse."

"You call that breaking my spine?"

"Bonk! Eat my dust!"

"M3d1c!"

"AAAAUUUUGH! MY SPINE!"

What did I tell ya?

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Teh_Judge from his podium, "the Dairantus Guh-rand Tourney is steadily approachin' its climax. It's been a wild month, I say a WILD month, and everybody's lookin' sharp as brass tacks."

A monitor showed Y4m1, 415|_|, Zeeky_H_B0mb, ROFLRyuusei, MetalMan2, and 16O1Sakura striking victory poses.

"The team to beat appears ta be none other than Team Urotander, who has remained undefeated for the longest time. Victory seems to be a given for this team, but let's have faith in the underdogs who have played so well ta make it this far."

Watching from server 56T, Buttons3 grumbled with dissatisfaction.

"Why do I have to work with amateurs?" she thought.

"What's wrong, boss?" said whiteknightfright.

"I'll tell you what's wrong," said Buttons3. "You and the other grunts keep failing me."

"Failing? You mean we keep losing all the time? I'm really sorry, boss. I'm still new at this game. I just picked out Meta Knight because he's the highest ranked character in Brawl."

"Wow," said Red. "If that's not textbook noob, I don't know what it is."

"Hey, shut up, Red. You're no better than I am."

"Well, at least I have the guts to pick someone who's not cheap like Meta Knight. Do you know how many tournaments he's been banned from?"

"Meta Knight's not cheap."

"Oh, yes, he is. He has transcending priority in almost all his attacks, ridiculous recovery, insane attack speed, great edgeguarding ability, nearly unlimited approach options, and virtual immunity to Stale-Move Negation. If none of that screams 'cheap with a capital C', I don't know what does."

"What about you, Red? Why would you pick the second worst character in Brawl as your avatar?"

"Simply put, Link's not cheap, and tiers are for queers."

"Whatever you say, Sir Simpleton."

"What was that?"

"Stop bickering, both of you," said Buttons3. "Look, we're currently ranked 288th, and the Dairantus Grand Tourney is almost over. If we don't shape up, we'll never get a chance to fight Smash Seed again."

"I hate to interrupt," said ChuckN0rri5, "but do you really think this is what Dangeresque1872 would want us to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since he got perma-banned, you've made it your lifelong dream to eliminate Smash Seed. I mean the money's good, but it just doesn't seem right…obsessing over this issue, I mean."

"Oh. For a minute there, I thought you were going to say you quit, and then I'd have to drive you off the team myself while the other grunts watched."

"Nah, that's too cliché," said Red. "Who'd want to rebel against someone like you, boss?"

"I would," said F0xH0und, prompting blank stares from the others. "What? I would."

"Uh, yeah, right. You're too stupid to rebel."

"No, I'm not."

"Then what's 9 times 8?"

"…Cheesecake?"

* * *

Meanwhile, on another part of Server 56T, ROFLRyuusei noticed 415|_| watching a Vocaloid PV of "Salvage" on another monitor.

[You've seen that movie a hundred times already, Makoto,] he said. [Well, not exactly a hundred, but you get the picture.]

[I know, Kentarō] sniffed 415|_|. [I…I just can't stop crying when I see it… (sniff)]

[Well, why can't you just watch something else? You never even use that program.]

[It's all part of what makes me a geek.]

Just as a side note, the Japanese word for "geek" is "otaku". It's often used to describe people with intense interests in manga, anime, and the like. Anyway, back to the story.

[I don't care about whether I use what I watch others using or not; I just do it for the entertainment value. You understand, right, Kentarō?]

[I guess so. Anyway, it's my turn to watch something.]

[Right, then. Go ahead.]

ROFLRyuusei changed the channel on the monitor to show a series of embarrassing replays behind a tacky title card.

"Welcome back to 'I Got It BRAWL On Tape'," said the TV announcer guy, "where we show the replays these players didn't want you to see. Our next replay was sent in from server 56G."

The monitor showed Team Urotander beating the ever loving snot out of The Master Hand at Hyrule Temple.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" said Buttons3 flying over the horizon by MetalMan2.

"OH MY GOD!" said Red, getting grab beaten by ROFLRyuusei. "IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND LIKE THAT!"

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" said whiteknightfright getting Bowsercided by Y4m1.

"Owie!" said ChuckN0rri5 getting spiked by 16O1Sakura. "Not the face!"

"THE PAIN IS WORSE THAN A THOUSAND EXPLO—OH MY GOD!" said |_|z1B4z00k4 getting chain grabbed, spiked, and then side smashed off the stage by 415|_|.

"Hey, this is kind of cozy," said F0xH0und getting Kirbycided by Zeeky_H_B0mb.

[Hey guys, look! It's us!] laughed ROFLRyuusei, turning to the rest of Team Urotander.

[Huh,] said Y4m1. [No kidding. Those guys were such noobs.]

[Never mind that, Shizuma,] said Zeeky_H_B0mb. [Who sent that in?]

"This replay was courtesy of 16O1Sakura's good buddy, MetalMan2," said the TV announcer guy.

[Ōji? You sent in the replay?]

MetalMan2 said nothing.

[Oh, right. I forgot you don't have a mike.]

Well, I can't say that was a very exciting chapter, but hey. The end of the tourney's in sight, so what more do I have to say? Can our heroes find it in themselves to win the tourney? Or will somebody else take the glory? I guess we'll all find out soon enough.


	10. Just a Little Farther

Chapter 9: Just a Little Farther

And so, it came to pass that our heroes made it into the final 64 as the third-seeded team, right behind Team Urotander and Smash 4Tress. Their old friends, The Immortals, also made it in, but they placed 58th. And The Master Hand? How did they get in—oh, wait a minute. They placed 289th. My mistake. Anyway, they didn't get into the final 64, so who cares about them anymore?

"I care," said |_|z1B4z00k4 from—hey!

I thought we agreed; no more breaking the fourth wall!

"I never agreed to that; last time I checked, you made that deal with Senshi or Sauce Kay or whatever the hell his name is."

First of all, it's Sasuke, not Sauce Kay. If you're going to call someone by their real name, do it right. Second of all, when I signed you and the other villains of this story into the story, you agreed you wouldn't break the fourth wall unless I gave you permission to do so. Read the fine print once in a while.

"I did; it never said anything about that. Besides, there were all these smudges below the fine print."

THAT was the fine print, not the tiny print. Those "smudges" were paragraphs written microscopically.

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to read that?"

With a microscope, of course. Now get back in the story before I write that you got banned for making that Trojan Rabbit bot back in Chapter 7.

"Oh, alright, but you'd better not make me say something stupid again."

Got it. So anyway, even though Buttons3's team didn't make it into the final 64, |_|z1B4z00k4 had a plan that even Buttons3 didn't know about. In fact, even I don't know about it. But more on that later; let's see how we're doing now.

* * *

Back on server 56Q, Teh_Judge, Buck3tH34d, and SonnyBoi oversaw the first match of the final tournament phase. Two teams, one of which being Team Urotander, stood at opposite ends of the stage.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen," said Teh_Judge. "Teh_Judge here with a big announcement. It's been a wild month, I say, a WILD month, but it all comes down ta this: the Dairantus Guh-rand Tourney's final tournament phase. Now let's see who we've got rarin' ta kick things off, I say, KICK things off."

He turned to the left side of the stage.

"In this corner, the six fiery players of Team Urotander: Zeeky_H_B0mb, ROFLRyuusei, Y4m1, 415|_|, MetalMan2, and 16O1Sakura!"

The crowd erupted with applause as Teh_Judge turned to the other side of the stage.

"And in this corner, the eight blazin' members of Smash4Tress: M3d1c, 3ng13, Snipebot_Z, Force_A_Nature, S0ldier_El1t3, BRNIN8RSpy, DemoM4n, and Heavy_Weapon!"

More applause came from the crowd as he turned to the audience.

"Without further ado, let's get this party started! Will both teams please send six members to the center of the stage?"

All six members of Team Urotander met with six of the members of Smash4Tress at the center of the stage; BRNIN8RSpy and Snipebot_Z stayed on the sidelines.

"Entire team is babies," said Heavy_Weapon smugly.

"I wouldn't be so quick to judge," said 3ng13. "After all, Team Urotander is undefeated."

"Ja," said M3d1c, "But they still have yet to face us, and we only lost to that one team—Smash Seed, I believe it was called."

"Those guys?" said S0ldier_El1t3.

"Ja."

"Those guys?"

"Ja."

"Those guys?"

"Ja. Now cut it out."

"…Those guys?"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Dummkopf?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to mess with your head. Also, their leader wanted to mess with my head for a bit as well."

"How could you tell?" said DemoM4n.

"Well, he said something to me before we fought a while back. I think it was something about losing his passport to Finland."

"Or maybe he just wanted to correct you on that immature insult 'a' yours."

S0ldierEl1t3 stared at DemoM4n for a while.

"Yeah, that sounded a bit better in me head than when I said it out loud. I mean—"

One boring monologue about being drunk later…

"Iluvevery, single… one of ye… not you."

"Shut up an' help, one-eye!" said Force_A_Nature.

Indeed, Smash4Tress was losing a three-stock team battle royale on server 56Y; the stage was Final Destination, a large, flat stage suspended in space. Smash4Tress had lost a total of five lives while Team Urotander had lost a total of three. So without further ado, here's some of the stuff that happened.

DemoM4n got his head into the game and immediately targeted MetalMan2 , who was strangling Force_A_Nature with his grab pummel, with a Nikita missile. MetalMan2 saw it coming and threw Force_A_Nature up in the air and into the missile, following up with a long hop back air attack that almost sent Force_A_Nature out of the stage; S0ldierEl1t3, who had just been struck by Y4m1's up smash, crashed into him and essentially saved him. He then jumped away to re-engage 16O1Sakura.

"What the hell was that crap?" said a rather angry Force_A_Nature.

"I'm drunk," said DemoM4n. "You don't have an excuse."

Meanwhile, ROFLRyuusei and 415|_| had their hands full with M3d1c and Heavy_Weapon. Heavy-Weapon buried 415|_| in the dirt with a Headbutt, then Hand Slapped her until she broke free, and then followed up with a short hopping up air attack, sending both her Popo and Nana high into the sky, but not quite high enough to send them out of the stage.

"I was told we would be fighting _men!_" chortled Heavy_Weapon, charging his Giant Punch. "What sick man sends _babies_ to fight me?"

Meanwhile, ROFLRyuusei was being grab pummeled by M3d1c.

"Hold still, Schweinhund," he said. "This will only sting for a moment."

He then threw him backwards and short hop back air attacked him, sending him out of the stage.

"Oops! That was not medicine!"

ROFLRyuusei respawned and immediately popped him into the air with a forward air attack followed by a sliding up smash blast that send M3d1c out of the stage.

[And that's called karma,] said ROFLRyuusei, turning back to help the rest of his team, but then he noticed someone was missing even though nobody had been eliminated yet. [Wait a minute. Where's Akio?]

* * *

[Ah, Yukari-chan…] thought Senshi as he watched the match from server 56T. [You and your friends…I miss my old home…]

"'Ey, Senshi," said 4NGRYCh|_|k. "You ready for our first bout? Me an' the others are waitin' on ya."

"Oh, right," said Senshi. "I'll be right there."

So Senshi and 4NGRYCh|_|k hurried off to one of the exits where Johnny7, Grave, i10v3myL1p5, and royalpain22 waited for them.

"Glad you could make it," said i10v3myL1p5. "It's lonely at the top."

"It sure is, mate," said U, walking in with his teammates. "Looks like we're up against you guys in the first round."

"Oh, hi there, U."

"G'day, 'L1p5. Never did get a chance to thank ya for springin' R0cky and Huge_Success."

"Oh, it was nothing, really. We just had our chance to escape once Buttons3 and her lackeys crashed the server, kind of like that time Grave and I went to see Grandpa Matt in real life."

"Don't talk about it," said Grave.

"Oh, come on, Grave…or should I call you Gwendolyn?"

"I'M BIG FAT GUY!" shouted a giant, purple King DeDeDe player in some random flashback that showed him jumping on Grave and i10v3myL1p5.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Eh, right," said U. "So, you guys ready to get this going?"

"In bed," said R0cky.

"Knock it off."

"I'm ready," said Grave.

"Me too," said Johnny7.

"Ready when you are," said royalpain22.

"Cheesecake!" said i10v3myL1p5.

"Oh, yeah," said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"Yes, I am," said Senshi.

"Alright," said U, leading his team to the stage of their match.

* * *

Meanwhile, in an unknown part of server 56T, |_|z1B4z00k4 prepared to hatch his plan. Get it? Hatch? You know, since his avatar is a black Falco, and Falco's a bird? And birds lay eggs, and they…hatch from eggs?

"Enough with the cornball jokes," said |_|z1B4z00k4. "Are you trying to give me away?"

Uh, sorry.

"Good."

Anyway, as I was saying, |_|z1B4z00k4 prepared to hatch his plan.

"Yes, yes," he thought. "My plan is falling into place perfectly…"

"Um, what plan?" said F0xH0und, prompting |_|z1B4z00k4 to turn around in surprise and alarm.

"Gah! F0xH0und, what are you doing here?"

"I was wondering where you were since you didn't show up for our date."

"For the last freaking time, we're not gay! I never scheduled a date with you, you nitwit, and I never will!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Ha. Just like that owl."

"Forget about that owl, F0xH0und. Why are you really here?"

"Oh, right. Well, the boss thought you're acting very strangely lately, so she sent me here to spy on you."

"Well, maybe you'd have better luck if you tried spying on me from…uh…the other end of the server."

"Okay."

And with that, F0xH0und went to the other end of the server.

"What an idiot," thought |_|z1B4z00k4. "He fell for that, hook, line, and si—"

"Hey, |_|z1B4z00k4," said F0xH0und from behind |_|z1B4z00k4. "Which way is the other end of the server?"

"Gah!" said |_|z1B4z00k4, turning around to meet F0xH0und. "Oh, it's you again. The other end of the server is that way."

He turned in the direction F0xH0und was facing and did a standard attack to make his point.

"Oh, okay," said F0xH0und, leaving for the other end of the server.

"Well, that's one annoyance out of the way," thought |_|z1B4z00k4. "Now where was I? Oh, yeah."

But just then, he heard someone coming.

"Oh, now what?" he said. "If that's you again, F0xH0und, I'll—"

He turned around and saw Zeeky_H_B0mb holding a Smart Bomb.

"What are you doing here?"

"Zeeky boogy doog," said Zeeky_H_B0mb, throwing the Smart Bomb at the ground.

"!" said the Smart Bomb, consuming both players in the blast and sending them clear out of the server.

Zeeky_H_B0mb landed back in server 56Y with a one-stock penalty for defying the laws of canon.

[Hey, guys,] he said, looking around to see Team Urotander fighting Smash4Tress. [What did I miss?]

[Where've you been for the past two minutes, Akio?] said Y4m1 as he sidestepped a side smash from 3ng13 and countered with Whirling Fortress. [We've lost the lead and we're falling behind.]

[Sorry, Shizuma. I had to stop some noob hacker from executing some elaborate plot to—]

[No time for that. Just get your white roundness into the game and help us.]

[Got it.]

In the end, the last two players standing were DemoM4n and ROFLRyuusei, each with high damage and one stock left. DemoM4n short hop forward air attacked, but missed as ROFLRyuusei countered with an up tilt followed by a short hopping neutral air attack, which sent DemoM4n spiraling downward. ROFLRyuusei air dodged as DemoM4n rose up and attacked, and then, he grabbed him, headbutted him several times, and threw him backwards. As DemoM4n used Cypher to try and recover, ROFLRyuusei froze him with a PK Freeze and followed up with a long hopping back air attack that sent DemoM4n plummeting into the abyss right as he broke free from the ice.

"It's over!" said Teh_Judge from server 56R. "Team Urotander wins!"

"WHOOOO!" screamed SonnyBoi excitedly. "That was awesome!"

"Yes," said Buck3tH34d. "Yes, it was."

He turned to another monitor on the server and saw Smash Seed and The Immortals in pitched battle.

"Now, over on server 56C, it looks like the battle between Smash Seed and The Immortals is winding down."

Indeed, the battle was down to Senshi and Johnny7 against M11 on Frigate Orpheon, a dark and scary spaceship stage with some kind of disgusting grub thing in the background. M11 had just taken out 4NGRYCh|_|k and royalpain22 when Senshi dove in and stabbed him with a Shield Breaker attack, ending the battle.

"And it's over. Smash Seed wins."

"WHOOOO!" screamed SonnyBoi excitedly. "That was awesome!"

"You didn't even see the match, SonnyBoi."

"I know. I just like saying that."

Well, it seems the competition is just about to end. How will our heroes pull through? What is |_|z1B4z00k4's diabolical plot? And why does SonnyBoi like screaming at the top of his lungs all the time? Isn't he worried he'll get laryngitis?


	11. Will You Hurry It Up?

Chapter 10: Will You Hurry It Up?

As the first round of the final tournament drew to a close, Team Urotander and Smash Seed went on to the second round, whereas The Immortals were eliminated in the first round and The Master Hand never made it. Nonetheless, Buttons3 remained convinced there was a way to take down Smash Seed once and for all, and who better to turn to than her most competent grunt, |_|z1B4z00k4? Just one problem: the black Falco player was nowhere to be seen, so Buttons3 tried consulting the rest of her grunts, none of whom came up with feasible ideas.

"Why don't we capture them and make one of the other teams win by default?" said ChuckN0rri5.

"Been there, done that, failed miserably," said Buttons3.

"We could catch them cheating," said whiteknightfright, "and then report them."

"Smash Seed doesn't cheat."

"How about we capture them and make them lose by default?" said F0xH0und.

"ChuckN0rri5 just said that."

"It's a good thing my Wii doesn't run on brain power, huh?"

"…"

"What? It doesn't."

"We could just attack them in between matches," said Red, "and then pin the attack on them and get them perma-banned."

"Teh_Judge and his lackeys will never believe us; there are too many security monitors."

"No, I mean we take them to some blind spot among the security monitors and then attack them."

"There are too many of us for that."

"Hey," said ChuckN0rri5. "Where's |_|z1B4z00k4?"

"That's strange," said Red. "He was here about a week ago."

* * *

The next day, on server 56T, The Immortals were recuperating from their bout with Smash Seed and preparing to leave when royalpain22 walked in on them.

"Oh, look who it is," said Huge_Success, turning to R0cky. "And don't even think of saying that again, R0cky, or I'll report you for harassment."

"Fine," said R0cky, turning around and crawling away. "Killjoy…"

Huge_Success turned back to royalpain22 with something of a harsh edge in her voice.

"So, what do you want?" she said.

"I just came to check on you guys," said royalpain22. "You don't seem too happy to see me."

"I'm not; you did beat us yesterday, after all."

"Look, as upset as you may be that you lost, you put up a good fight. You should be happy about that, at least."

"Not really. Your team only lost three of their players: Grave, i10v3myL1p5, and 4NGRYCh|_|k. Besides, you sat out."

"Your team picked me to sit out because I had the longest-ranged projectile and strongest air attacks. If you had really wanted to win, you would've picked Senshi instead. He is our leader, after all."

"True, but only Hercules98 and I wanted him out of the match. U, M11, and R0cky all said they wanted a 'good, clean, fair fight'. A lot of good that did us."

"Listen, I remember overhearing U say something about picking yourself up every time you stumble."

"I never said that."

"No, not you; your Sonic player. He said something about picking yourself up every time you stumble shortly after our match."

"Oh, yeah, right. Him. I always did hate to lose, but right now, I'm just disappointed that we couldn't show our stuff in this tourney. I was so ready to win, so ready to beat anyone who stood in my way, that I had forgotten about what he said."

"Yeah. In a way, that reminds me of when we fought Team Urotander a while back; I was just about to Lightning Kick their leader out of the stage when one of their other members—Zeeky_H_B0mb, I believe—came out of nowhere and pseudo-stage spiked me. At first, I thought he just got lucky, but then I realized it was mainly a bad judgment call on my part; I should've paid more attention. It was still a good match, though."

"Speaking of Team Urotander, you're up against them next."

Royalpain22 checked a nearby tournament tree, and sure enough, Team Urotander and Smash Seed were set to face off against each other on server 56B. The stage would be PictoChat: a flat, blank stage that resembled a PictoChat room from a DS.

"Heh, so we are," she said. "Wish us luck."

"Yeah, good luck," said Huge_Success as royalpain22 left to rejoin her teammates. "You'll need it."

"In bed," said R0cky, prompting Huge_Success to turn to him.

"What did I tell you about saying that?"

"Uh-oh. WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Huge_Success grabbed R0cky and repeatedly grab pummeled him, and both their screams could be heard from halfway across the server.

* * *

Meanwhile, at a hidden part of server 56T…

"Hey, boss," said |_|z1B4z00k4, "come here."

"What is it, |_|z1B4z00k4?" said Buttons3, walking to him with the other grunts in tow.

"Well, since you're so obsessed with taking down Smash Seed, I might as well share my plot with you and the others."

"Go ahead. I'm all ears."

The Master Hand sat around rather awkwardly for a moment as |_|z1B4z00k4 paused dramatically.

"Well?"

"I'll tell you right after I finish pausing dramatically," said |_|z1B4z00ka.

"I think you've been watching too many soap operas," said F0xH0und. "They tend to do that to you."

"BOING!" said a random catapult.

"!" said a voice.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Buttons3.

"JESUS, RUN!" shouted |_|z1B4z00k4.

"Crap!" said ChuckN0rri5 as a random black Sheik bot fell on top of him.

"Hello, dappy English knighets and mademoiselle Buttons3 who has the brain of a duck, you know," said leT4unt3r from somewhere near the highest exit of the server. "So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!"

"What the hell are you doing here?" said Red. "I thought your team got disqualified weeks ago!"

"I have to agree with him on that point," said ChuckN0rri5. "After Teh_Judge, Buck3tH34d, and SonnyBoi saw what you were doing, they kicked you out of the tourney. How did you get back in this server?"

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know?" said leT4unt3r. "Hey, how do you say, 'Ah, one more time, Mac'? Unclog my nose in your direction."

The infuriated Buttons3 and her grunts ran at leT4unt3r and his team, but none of them, not even whiteknightfright, could reach them.

"So, you think you can outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent, running-about, advancing behavior? I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of secondhand, electric donkey bottom biters!"

"Get your worthless mustachioed mug out of our business!" said whiteknightfright. "Or else, come down here and fight us like the sleaze ball you are!"

"No chance, English bet-wetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your going-down request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"

"I'm warning you! If you make fun of us one more time—"

LeT4unt3r sprayed The Master Hand with his F.L.U.D.D move, and his Pokemon Trainer teammate joined in with his Water Gun while his Diddy Kong teammate threw Banana Peels at them. The Jigglypuff player threw Mr. Saturns and dud Fire Flowers among other items.

"I'll fly up there and cut all of you to—"

More water and whatsit came down on The Master Hand.

"Oh, forget it."

The Master Hand dejectedly started to leave the server.

"Yes, depart a lot at this time and don't show your faces again," said l3T4unt3r, "or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ahahahaha!"

"Let's go," said ChuckN0rri5. "Just ignore them."

"And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger folk! And if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English knnnnnnnnnighets! Thpbbbbbt!"

"I swear, Smash Seed," thought Buttons3. "Someday, some way, I will have my revenge…as soon as I figure out how to deal with those annoying pests."

"What did you say?" said whiteknightfright.

* * *

Later that same day, Smash Seed and Team Urotander stood at opposite ends of PictoChat on server 56B.

"We're not gonna hold back this time, right?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k.

"I guess not," said Grave.

"Great! I've been dyin' for a rematch."

"Just try not to go overboard again."

"3…2…1…LET'S GO!" shouted Teh_Judge, and without further ado, the match began.

4NGRYCh|_|k and Senshi charged at Team Urotander, and MetalMan2 and Y4m1 ran to the center of the stage to meet them. Senshi short hopped and forward air attacked Y4m1, knocking him back a bit. He was about to follow up with another forward air attack when MetalMan2 knocked him out of the air with his own short hopping forward air attack, and 4NGRYCh|_|k in turn bounced him off the floor with HIS short hopping forward air attack. Y4m1 sidestepped 4NGRYCh|_|k's attack and countered with Whirling Fortress, popping him up in the air and allowing him to try to follow up with a midair Flying Slam that 4NGRYCh|_|k dodged.

Meanwhile, Grave charged her Aura Sphere before advancing on to join her teammates at the front. Royalpain22 and i10v3myL1p5 stayed in the back and threw a few projectiles before hopping in to join the fracas. 16O1Sakura and 415|_| did likewise as they and Zeeky_H_B0mb tried to go over the four powerhouses in the center of the stage. Johnny7 and ROFLRyuusei hit themselves with their respective PK Thunders and tried to smash into each other's teammates, but they collided in the air and landed in the middle of the center stage melee, knocking their teammates out of the air in the process. There were so many players in one area that they couldn't fight effectively on such a small stage; they all kept getting in each other's way.

"Hey, wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE!" screamed 4NGRYCh|_|k, prompting everybody to stop fighting. "This is goin' nowheah. Why don't weeach just send our two best members in ta duke it out?"

[He suggests we each send our two best members to fight each other,] said Senshi to 16O1Sakura. [What do you say?]

[Well, this is a small stage,] said 16O1Sakura. [Okay. You're on.]

And with that, everybody went to their respective ends of the server and waited…well, all except Senshi, 4NGRYCh|_|k, 16O1Sakura, and 415|_|, who stood at different parts of the stage, ready for battle.

On cue, 4NGRYCh|_|k short hopped and back air attacked 415|_| before she could dash grab Senshi, who sidestepped a short hopping tether grab from 16O1Sakura. He turned around and short hop forward air attacked her twice before trying to spike her with a short hopping down air attack, but she air dodged and countered with a Screw Attack, knocking him back a bit. She then followed up with a power missile, but missed as Senshi jumped in the air and hit her with Dancing Blade and followed up with a dash attack.

Meanwhile, 4NGRYCh|_|k used Hand Slap to drive 415|_| back, but she countered with a short hopping forward air attack, bouncing him off the floor. She followed up with an up tilt and another forward air attack, but before she could come down to the ground and chain grab him into oblivion, he got back up and swatted her away. 4NGRYCh|_|k briefly charged a Giant Punch before 415|_| ran at him with a dash attack.

"Man, this isn't right," said i10v3myL1p5. "I wish I could get in there and kick some can."

The other members of Smash Seed stared at him awkwardly.

"What? That's what 4NGRYCh|_|k would say if he was here."

"Do you have to be this way all the time?" said Grave.

"Not really. I'm only this way when I'm bored, but also due to the fact that I have a 10-second attention span. Cheese is my favorite food, you know? Anyway, also worth noting is how I tend to ramble a lot when I'm bored. You know, video games are designed to keep people preoccupied for long periods of time, but there are just too many of them that get boring after a while. That's what makes games like Brawl so great; they're designed to be shared experiences. You know what I'm saying?"

He took another look to see that the rest of Smash Seed was gone.

"I wish I could turn invisible."

Now let's fast forward to the part of the fight where each player had one stock and ridiculously high damage.

Jzam;nm dfvasjfm;klajmeiockl;k lkmzamk;ajpaj8jf9pam34c%PPKZozjpf aa ;ojiaojt;jtsajergjsaier fija;of aij;f aFOL:J:FOLREAJKOT:Jfjoap FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFlkl;ajmf ajl;fml;kam ro;ajfk; ;jalgnmmnjjjnm8msmvrmiosd S HklSA KHaopajoajocaopp9u5q4 Q#

"_It's the end of the world as we know it—_"

AAGH! I fast forwarded wrong!

GGERWAw3rewJkl;aj fmt89q3wui489oqc6jt ij3wq4ljt8j4mqut8uc4qo-q==;la mlka;aflksjgoijo jotiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii;alrkgag agreagearlgkk q440218346%^$#%_Q(C _% rkefrkatfr[awiue909UI](U*(UFJOISEJMOIEJFOI()98U*(_**(&*^&*^&kj kq904%&^%*)()*oifejk aowijktrqiopu45oi upqooq90i094tiaTPSEOTY paik tjtma0[ckt,3wic89zus8faew

There we go.

4NGRYCh|_|k slugged 415|_| with a Giant Punch, but it wasn't enough to send her clear out of the stage. 415|_| tried hopping back, but before she could use Belay and get onto the stage, 4NGRYCh|_|k edge guarded her and forced her to sacrifice her Nana. Before 415|_|'s Popo could make it back on the stage, 4NGRYCh|_|k jumped off the ledge and back air attacked 415|_|, sending her out of the stage and eliminating her. However, as soon as 4NGRYCh|_|k landed, he was blasted by a stray Charge Shot and sent flying out of the stage.

Meanwhile, Senshi forced 16O1Sakura back with a Dancing Blade and ran at her to finish her with a spike, but as he came in for the kill, 16O1Sakura fired a fully charged Charge Shot at Senshi, forcing him to stop and roll out of the way. The blast hit 4NGRYCh|_|k, who had just eliminated 415|_|, and sent him out of the stage. 16O1Sakura followed up with a Screw Attack and made it to the ledge, but as she rolled behind Senshi and used a forward smash to finish him off, Senshi countered with Counter and sent her flying out of the stage, ending the battle.

"It's over!" said Teh_Judge as the two teams regrouped. "Smash Seed wins!"

[Are you okay, Yukari-chan?] said Senshi.

[Of course, I am,] said 16O1Sakura. [You didn't hurt me in real life, did you?]

[Heh heh. I guess not. But still, I'm sorry we had to be so rough with you and your team.]

[Don't worry, Sasuke-kun. Your team had what it took to get past my team, so now, you get to go on and make us both proud.]

[Huh?]

[Maybe I should just show you a little token of my appreciation.]

16O1Sakura sent Senshi a manga rendition of the two of them kissing each other, which, unfortunately, I'm too lazy to render in this story. Seriously, how much time do these people spend thinking of ways to draw things with dashes and at signs and the like? Anyway, back to the story.

[Thanks. This is pretty good,] said Senshi. [Who drew this?]

[I did,] said 16O1Sakura. [I was going to give it to you before you left for America, but it slipped my mind until now.]

[Slipped? You mean like as in slipped on a kamikaze watermelon?]

A brief, awkward pause later…

[Huh, that's funny. That kamikaze watermelon person usually shows up by now.]

Suddenly, a random blue, honking R.O.B. player flew in out of nowhere and just as quickly left the server as a pillar of light from the side of the stage. Senshi and 16O1Sakura blankly stared for a moment.

[That wasn't a kamikaze watermelon,]

[Uh, right,] said 16O1Sakura. [Anyway, you're up against The 7 Shinobi Swordsmen next, Sasuke-kun. Good luck.]

[Bye, Yukari-chan. I'll come back home soon.]

[I'll be waiting.]

Well, folks, that's pretty much all I can say about our heroes. The rest of it would be a boring cliché about winning the tournament, travelling the rest of Dairantus together, and stuff, but I'll leave that up to you to decide. Who knows? Maybe this story might spawn a few sequels, but for now, so long, and happy Brawling.

* * *

…

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…

…

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…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"What?" said 4NGRYCh|_|k from outside the story. "That's it? No more lame parodies an' references? No more awesome fight scenes? No more dopey gags?"

_Sorry._

"That sucks."

_Get out of my narration sequence._

"Yeah," said i10v3myL1p5. "That sucks eggs. Hard boiled eggs."

What are you doing he—?

"You do realize that now you could get endless streams of hate mail for ending the story prematurely, right?" said Grave.

_How do people keep getting in here?_

"Front door," said Johnny7. "4NGRYCh|_|k and the others were right; you do need to keep it locked."

"Also, you shouldn't leave your key under the mat," said royalpain22. "Otherwise, someone might just come in and do something like this."

_I know about that. Now all of you get out, please! I'm tired!_


End file.
